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here you got it my lovelies...nicoles's twisted LOTR |  |
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| Ok y'all, I just want to inform you all that I was VERY VERY VERY drunk............... oh, and just so you know, Legolas is a blonde, Aragon is a grease monkey, Gandalf is a pimp etc and now on with the show! (drum roll please) (A very fine lookin and engaged-to-Nicole, Legolas runs into the room screaming bloody murder) Pip: More fan girls? Frodo (panicked): WHERE? Legolas (out of breath, scared look on face): No as my heart only belongs to one beautiful Nicoel, all others are whores! WORSE! (we hear sleigh bells and ho ho ho-ing) All hobbits: SANTA! Legolas: HIDE ME! Aragorn: Why? Don’t you like santa? (sleigh bells and ho ho ho-ing was just the TV) Legolas: (puts hands on hips and looks at the fellowship in scorn) The guy is evil! He makes innocent elves work 18 hour shifts in dank factories, making toys with no pay! They don’t even get breaks! Its like an elvish sweatshop! Pip: NO! Santa’s NOT evil! (Pippin hugs firecracker he got from santa to his chest) Legolas: Oh yeah?? Well then why does he live way up at the north pole? He’s afraid of the police, thats why! Merry: No! Its a different kind of elf! Like in the shoemaker and the elves! Legolas: No, theres only one kind of elf. We make shoes. Sam: Then why haven’t you told us? Legolas: You never asked! (daintily points out foot to show off shoe) Look at the workmanship on that baby! Gimli: And besides, hobbits shun shoes, remember? Sam: Oh yeah. (Frodo is hiding under bed) Are the fan girls gone yet? Boromir: You’re lucky you even HAVE fans after you!! I’m just the ring- corrupted pity case whom everyone forgets... (sob) Gandalf: Word to that, B-daddy (All stare at Gandalf) Gandalf: whas-up wit y’all? Stop messin, yo! Aragorn: Shouldn’t you be talking like you’re semi-Shakesperian or whatever? Gandalf: That’s whack. Aragorn: Ummmm... yeah. Now where the hell are we? Aren’t we supposed to be doing something? Frodo: Yeah! We’re supposed to be getting rid of the Ring! Merry: And why don’t you know the way? Of all people! Some ranger YOU are. Legolas (confused): Ring? Like as in ring around the rosey? Gimli: Hel-LOOOO! Where were you in the counsel of Elrond? Twirling your hair? Legolas: Hey, just because I don’t have nasty coarse unwashed hair like YOU doesn’t mean you have to make me feel bad! Sam: Ring around the Rosie? That bitch! I’m getting a divorce so I can marry my one true love—Mr Frodo! Frodo: What was that? Sam: Nothing. (Merry and Pippin snigger) Boromir: You hobbits are queer. Legolas, finally catching on to Gimli’s retort: Are you implying that I’m a blonde? Merry: (cough) So where are we going? Gandalf: Yo dog, as long as I’m still alive an’ kickin I’m da leader of dis gang. Word ta me, yo. Now pimp-mastah Gandalf sez we be goin up dat snowy- ass mountain now, hear? All: ............... Gimli: He’s starting to scare me. (All nod) (Two hours later, thanks to Gandalfs wonderful navigational skills, they find themselves utterly lost) Boromir: Frodo, I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore. Frodo: Shove it. Legolas: (whimpers) my beautiful hair... (Gimli sniggers) Merry: Alright, Gandalf, you’re fired. Aragorn, you’re a ranger, you figure out how we’re supposed to get to the mountain we’re supposed to go up from here. Pippin: Go go power ranger!!! Aragorn: (makes face) I may be a ranger but I’m not a mighty morphin one. Frodo: What about ‘power’? Sam: Can I ride your motorcycle thing? Aragorn: (mutters) stupid hobbits... Boromir: Lets have a song while we walk!! (All hobbits start yowling rather loudly and off-key): ONE MILLION SIX HUNDRED NINTY-SEVEN PINTS ON THE WALL! ONE MILLION SIX HUNDRED NINTY-SEVEN PIIIIIINTTTTSSS! Gimli: Oh dear lord... Boromir: What have I done? Someone: Thats right! Its YOUR fault! Lets gettim! (All jump Boromir, including the hobbits for some reason) Legolas: Wait. Guys, hes not breathing... Gimli: Oops. Sam: I didn’t do it. (Legolas shoots a couple arrows in him) Legolas: If anyone asks, it was the orcs. Aragorn: And I valiantly come to his rescue and avenged him, just a minute too late. Merry, suddenly: Hey, didn’t we have a TV earlier? Pippin: No, but I brought along a deep fat frier and 600,000 miles of extension cord. Frodo: Ummm... Why? Pippin: Gandalf said to bring only the essentials. We might find mushrooms! Aragorn: (clocks Pip) Pippin: Owwwww Next chapter: What WAS that thing, a moth or a butterfly? The fellowship debates ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 2 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Everyone is still hopefully lost now thanks to a certain rightful heir to the throne of Gondor *cougharagorncough*... who is NOT a power ranger...) Merry: I’m hungry. Pippin: I’m hungry and tired. Sam: I’m hungry and tied and I need a bath. I haven’t bathed in a year! Frodo: But Sam, we’ve only been out here for 6 months. Sam: (giggles) I know. (All scootch away from Sam) Gandalf: All dis hikin shit is makin my bunions sore. Say word! Yo Aragorn, you my homie n all, but damn boy! Dis is whack! Legolas: If we keep this up I might end up having dirt under my nails! (All glower at Legolas and his elven-clean nails) Aragorn: All of you just shut up! We’re here at the door to the dwarf mines! Gimli: Yay! My brothers! Sam: (mutters) I bet they’re all dead (They wander around... blah blah blah... now they’re in a room with the grave of Gimli’s uncle or whatever. Humor me.) Gimli: Damnit! That guy owed me money! Gandalf: Yo, check it, y’all! Over here is sum funny shit. Check, a book wit dust on it! Lets crack dis dirty-assed boy open, yo. Word ta me. (No one is still quite used to a wise old wizard like Gandalf talkin trash, they just stare. Gandalf grabs the books and cracks it open) Gandalf: “One fish, two fish, red fish...” Legolas: HEY! They stole that from the elves! Gimli: Did I hear you call my people plagurists, pretty boy? Legolas: Who’re you callin pretty? (Legolas is oblivious to his sad sad retort) Everone else: ....... (Meanwhile, Pip is looking into a well, and he accidentally throws a dwarf skeleton in there) CLANNNNGGGG! (fearful silence) Legolas: (calls happily) Uh oh spagettio! (Gandalf rounds on Pippin) Gandalf: Ya mother-(bleep)in fool!!! Yo! Wassup wit dat, yo, you gonna get us killed, aiight? Shoot yo, shoot! (Gandalf continues to talk trash, Pip mouths “Can I please?” to the rest of the fellowship behind Gandalf, they all nod. Pip ‘accidentally’ pushes Gandalf into the well) Gandalf: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Aragorn: It was a Balrog. (All nod in agreement) .... (A little later, when theyre out of the mines) Frodo: Woe onto us! Gandalf has fallen into shadow! Merry: Gandalf! Bearer of staffs! Pippin: Bearer of mushrooms! Sam: Talker to moths! Aragorn: It was a cabbage butterfly. Sam, irritated: It was a moth! Aragorn: No, see, this is how you tell the difference between a moth and a butterfly. When a butterfly lands, its wings are held folded erect. When a moth lands, it spreads its wings out flat. When that CABBAGE BUTTERFLY alighted on Gandalf’s hand, it put its wings semi-erect. Now although this is enough for debate, it is physically impossible for a moth to hold its wings like that! Gimli: Aye, but this MOTH had the fuzzy large feelers characteristic of all moths. No butterfly in Middle Earth has feelers, not even cabbage butterflies. Legolas: I once swallowed a moth. (All ignore him) Merry: That may be true, but it is physically impossible for any moth living or dead to hold its wings in the fashion that that ‘moth’ did! If it were a moth it would have flattened its wings. Sam: But you can’t forget the feelers. And the short fat body characteristic of moths Aragorn: True, but there are certain breeds of butterfly that have the short fat body. Gimli: Maybe it was a mutant. Merry: Or maybe it was a hybrid. Is it genetically possible for a moth to breed with a cabbage butterfly? (All think about it except Legolas, who is telling himself, the only person who will listen to him, all about his adventure with swallowing a moth) Legolas: ..... it was so nasty! I couldn’t breathe, I swear! I mean, all that dusty stuff on it really irritates your throat! And instead of getting help, Elrond just laughed at me. I mean, I know he told me before that it wasn’t a good idea to stand next to a lantern with my mouth open at night, but I think he could have gotten me to a doctor or something... (Everyone is done arguing, they all stare at Legolas, who finally realises that they’re listening. He abruptly stops) Aragorn: .....alright, you do that Legolas. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~3~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (They all finally arrive in Lothloréien) All: Whoaaaa... Galadriel: (coming out to greet them) Welcome, weary travellers! All: Thank you! Galadriel, in an undertone to Aragorn: We have some shampoo here you can use if you like... (Aragorn glares at her) Galadriel: (ahem) We have much news for you. Legolas: You swallowed a moth too?? Galadriel: (stares) Are you on some kind of new allergy medication, boy? Frodo: No, he’s always like that. Legolas: Gollum DOES live in my basement, damnit! Galadriel: .... alright moving on. We have found out some very important news. Sauron is a Mary-Sue All: WHAT?!? Galadriel: ‘Tis true. I’m sure you all expected a darth vader type guy under that scary mask thing, but my mirror showed me. Heed my words, o confused one! She is not after the ring, but you! Legolas: Did you say something?... Aragorn: We’ll protect him... Galadriel: But that’s not all! She decided that an orc army would be too icky, so she hired a hoard of Oompa-loompas in their stead! Merry: Are Oompa-loompas related to hobbits in any way? Pippin: I think theyre just a troop of hobbits who apply way too much self- tanner. Sam: Then why is their hair green? Frodo: Two different movies/books! We aren’t related to Oompa-loompas, ok?!? Gimli: Oy vey... Aragorn: Wait a second! If all Sauron wants is Legolas, then why dont we just give him up and end this reign of terror? Galadriel: Nay! For you see, after she has Legolas, she will hunt down the rest of you cute fellowship members. First Legolas, then Frodo, then Aragorn and Pip and Sam and Merry... Gimli, you arent in too much trouble Gimli: (pouts) (Legolas sniggers) Galadriel: The only way to defeat Sauron-Sue is to force her to read the books! That way she will have too much respect for Tolkien and his characters to make them do odd things for her own pleasure! (A/N remind you of anyone? *innocent look*) Oh yeah, and destroying the ring wouldn’t hurt Gimli: How would destroying the ring help? Frodo: And if this is a Mary-Sue then how did she know the elvish to enscript on the ring? Galadriel: She doesnt know elvish. Look at the ring closer (Frodo inspects it closer and to his surprise the words ‘One ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them’ are in pig-latin) Galadriel: And Gimli, even a Mary-Sue Sauron wont break the sacred plot. I mean, this is what the books are all about. Gimli: Whatever. Legolas: So now what? Galadriel: Frodo and Sam come with me and they get to see all sorts of weird crap in my Sacred Bird-Bath, and the rest of you go do something else. (At Galadriels Sacred Bird-Bath) Galadriel: Alright, have a looksie (Sam approaches it with caution and sees the Shire on fire {heheh, that rhymed} and Frodo ‘sleeping’ on some ledge somewhere) Frodo: Shove over, I’M the star of this book, not you (Frodo sees even weirder stuff including a giant eye thingie) Frodo: wicked... (Meanwhile...) (Legolas is staring out into the distance, elves are singing mournfully) Legolas: They’re singing about Gandalf. Aragorn: What are they saying? Legolas: I have not the heart to tell you. Merry: Oh get over it and tell us! Pip: Yeah really! Legolas: In the common tongue it is roughly along the lines of this: Na na na na! Na na na na! Hey hey hey! Goodbye! Na na na na! Na na na na! Hey hey hey! Goodbye! (Legolas has tears in eyes) Gimli, rolling eyes: How poetic. (Frodo Galadriel and Sam come back) Aragorn: How’d it go? Sam: Um, Mister Frodo saw some kind of firey eye thing and Galadriel freaked when he offered her the ring. No biggie. Galadriel: Its mine! Finally mine! Bwahahahaha! Merry, shocked: You didn’t actually give it to her, did you? Frodo: Nah. That one was from a 25 cent machine at Walmart. I got the real thing. Galadriel: For giving me the one ring, I shall give you presents on your way. To Sam, a pile of dirt. Thats what you get for telling Frodo not to give me the ring, you little brat! Aragorn some sword or something, to the hobbits a mushroom apiece, to Boromir--- hey, where’s Boromir? (All at same time) Merry: Attacked by orcs Aragorn: Eaten by a giant squid Pippin: Caught in an avalanche Frodo: Fell into quicksand Sam: Died in a tornado Legolas: Swallowed a moth. (all look at Legolas) Legolas: What? Galadriel: Um, anyways, Frodo, you get this bottle of light. May it light up dark places and um... yeah well anyways begone! I mean, farewell! (They all get in little boat thingies and leave) (Our sad little group is now in their elven boats on the river of Anguin) Legolas: Row row row your boat! Gently down the stream!! (Gimli, who is in the same boat as Legolas, thwaps him over the head with the paddle) Legolas: owwww... ACK! (Legolas is about to fall out of the boat, he grabs Gimli’s beard) Gimli: NOT THE BEARD!!!!! Aragorn, looking back: What the hell is wrong with you two? Gimli: (sniff) my beard-braid came undone.... Pippin, also looking back: I’ve been meaning to ask you about that—why do you braid your beard? Why do you even know how to braid? How do you reach your hair in the back? Does your wife do it for you? Is there even such a thing as a female dwarf? How bout a baby dwarf? Gimli: No, there isn’t. Dwarves hatch out of eggs as full grown males with unique hippy braiding abilities to spare all other creatures horrible mental pictures. Merry: Oh. Well that’s nice of you. Gimli: I know—OUCH! (Gimli glares at the tree branch that smacked him) (Legolas sniggers) (suddenly, an oompa loompa troop comes into view behind the trees) Oompa, loompa, loompity doo I’ve got another question for you Oompa loompa loompity dee If you are smart you’ll listen to me What do you get when you don’t keep your head up? Talking to elves about meaningless stuff You can do that almost any old day But when in a stream you’ve hell... to... pay A tree branch in the hea-ea-ead! Oompa loompa, loompity da If you’re looking forward you will go far You will live in happiness too If you live like Oompa Loompa Loompity doo! (Legolas shoots one of the dreaded beasts in the head with an arrow before they can start up a second verse or something, the one shot falls into the water with a splash and the rest of them squeak and scatter into the woods from whence they came) Frodo: And I thought orcs were evil and vile Sam: Well said master Frodo Frodo: Stop sucking up my ass you worthless evesdropping maniac (Pippin and Merry point and laugh) (Soon they see two large kings standing on either side of the river, mighty and wrought of stone, both putting their hands out as if calling all to stop. ) Aragorn: Fear not! This is the Argonath! See those big scary kingy dudes? They’re my relatives! (Suddenly, the jaw of the great stone king on the right begins to droop, then the kings of old start to talk like the Kahunaville trees) King 1: Say! Wanna hear a knock-knock joke? King 2: Sure! King 1: Knock knock! Aragorn: Never mind, I bear no relation to these people or their creators whatsoever (Everyone laughs at him) King 2: Who’s there? King 1: The Argonath Café! King 2: The Argonath Café who? King 1: Be sure to visit the Argonath Café, where there’s great food and fun for the whole family! Pay a visit to our famous arcade, where you can play games and cash in your tokens for cheap, er, I mean, neat prizes! Stop at our gift shop, where there’s t-shirts, hats and more! And remember, on Tuesdays hobbits eat free! King 1: That sure was a good joke! I’m going to the Argonath Café right now! (Both Kings chuckle mechanically and remain motionless) (All stare at the stone kings of old) Legolas, breaking silence: Hey! It’s a Tuesday! Hobbits eat free! Pippin: I wonder if they serve mushrooms! Frodo: Or carrots! Merry: Or cabbages! Gimli: Some noble lineage, Aragorn Aragorn: Why me? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~5~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (After much protesting from Aragorn, they finally decide to anchor their boats at the Argonath Café) Hobbits: YAY!!!!! (On the shore are two large animatronic turtles) Legolas: Whoa! Lookit the size of those, like, large reptillian creatures! (Legolas is fascinated with the fact that they move, and runs up to them, dumbstruck. The rest of the fellowship rolls their eyes at him and procede to approach the front desk thingie) Frodo: Excuse me sir... (The man at the front desk turns around and is none other than... ... ... ... ... ... ...GANDALF!!!!) (A/N: He was so popular! I had to bring him back! lol) (All gasp) Gimli: You’re supposed to be dead!!! Legolas, in backround, still inspecting animatronic turtles: Whoa! They MOVE! Gandalf: Sup mai homies!!! Yo yo, I beeze bling-blingin here at the Argonath Café! Word up y’all! Frodo, horrified: But Pippin pushed you in that well! Pippin, also horrified, to Frodo: SHHHH!!!! He’ll kill me!! Gandalf: Its aiight. I forgive y’alls. Merry: How did you survive? Gandalf: Yo, that there was tough shit. First I was all fallin and shit like that, den I was all like huh-whoa! I was all in like this watery shit, and I was all like word ta me yo, I was still alive. So then I was all like swimmin and junk and then I was all like shoot, yo! Dat big-assed Balrog punk was still tailin me! So I was all, Yo! Get the (bleep) away from me, hear? And he was all, word! And den i was all--- Pippin: God save us all. Aragorn, interrupting: Gandalf, not only is that rabble not explaining anything at all, but if you took all the sense in your words and turned them into fuel, it wouldn’t power an amoeba’s motorcycle around the perimeter of an atom. Why don’t you just lead us to our seats? Gimli: Yeah, well, it didn’t make much sense in the book either Gandalf: True dat, yo Legolas, delighted, in the backround: It moves!!!! Gimli: That kid ain’t too bright, is he? (All shake head as Legolas squeals with delight) Gandalf: Yo yo, welcome to the Argonath Café! Theres like, fun shit for the entire family, with prizes and all that other shit yo. Let me, pimp-mastah Gandalf da WHITEEE direct ya to your tables. All: ..... (They’re escorted to their table, all except for Legolas, who doesn’t seem to realise that anything is going on other than the turtles are moving) Hobbits, pounding table with their fists: HOBBITS EAT FREE! HOBBITS EAT FREE! HOBBITS EAT FREE!!! Gandalf, snapping: Shut UP ya’ll!!! See this foot?? It comes from a place called hobbit’s ass, and ITS GETTIN HOMESICK!!!! (hobbits shrink back into chairs) Pippin, whispering to Merry: How many times does he come back? D’ya think we actually bump ‘im off? Merry, scared: I dunno... Legolas, from far away: I’M GONNA NAME YOU... GEORGE! Say George, have I told you the story of how I swallowed a moth? (All slap their forehead with their hands) Aragorn: I’ve heard somewhere... that hobbits eat free on Tuesdays? Gandalf: Yauh, but dwarves aren’t allowed to order the buffet Gimli, turning red: Damn. (hobbits snigger) (Meanwhile, Legolas is starting to realise that no one is around, and his tiny brain begins to draw conclusions) Legolas: Omygod... Guys?? Are you around? (gasp) YOU WERE EATEN, WEREN’T YOU? (Turns, heartbroken to the two turtles) Legolas, through tears: I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL!! (At the table) Aragorn, looking with disgust at the huge pile of hobbit plates: Do you halflings have stomachs or bottomless pits in that gut of yours? Merry, thru a face full of food: Whatever holds mushrooms better Sam, also stuffing his face: Yeah, right, pass the pie Gandalf: Damn, foo! Dis hobbits eat free on Tuesdays shit will be da death of us all yo! Say word! Gimli: Urg... Watching you hobbits eat is just about as appetizing as watching mold grow on cheese. I don’t think I can eat any more (All stare in awe at Gimli) All: WHAT?!?!?! Gimli, turning red again: muttermuttermutter... (Aragorn and Gimli wander off to the arcade type thing) (Aragorn feeds his tokens into a machine, it eats them up) Aragorn: #*^%!!!! Cheap thing! TAKE THAT! YAAAAH! (Aragorn whips out his sword and turns the machine into a pile of screws and metal trash) Gimli: Rraow! Aragorn: Bite me. (sniff) That thing took my tokens... (Legolas is still talking to the turtles) Legolas: Guuuyyyss? Are you alive? GEORGE! (Legolas grips turtles head) Legolas: Are they alive?? (By pure coincidence, turtle nods its head) Legolas: AHA!!!! DON’T WORRY EVERYONE, LEGOLAS GREENLEAF IS COMMING FOR YOU! Now all I need is some rope... I like, wonder where I can get some rope? (He ponders the question as to where to get some rope) (At the hobbits table) Sam: MUSHROOMS!! Frodo: More please! Merry: Aye, and d’ya have any pints? Pip: Bring me 2 pints please! Merry, trying to outdo him: 3 pints here! Pip: 4! Merry: 5! Pip: 6!!!! Merry 7!!!!!!!!!!!! Gandalf: Shoot yo... y’all are crazy... yo, how are we gonna stay in business?? Damn! Pip: 8!!!!!!!!!!!! (Legolas hasn’t yet found any rope and is trying a different approach) Legolas: Puh-leeeeeeaaasssseeeee? All you have to do is like, put your finger down your throat! I would know! That Arwen chick does it. (Gasp) Legolas: But you didn’t hear it from me... (Meanwhile...) Merry: 19!!!!!!!! Pippin: 20!!!!!!!!!!! Merry: Oh he’s good... (Frodo rolls eyes) (Aragorn and Gimli approach table) Aragorn: Cummon. We’re leaving. Hobbits: Awwwwww Aragorn, snaps: Look, its bad enough that my dignity was absolutely ruined by our finding out that my family tree is a joke. But Gimli beating me in air hockey is the last straw! We’re LEAVING. Frodo, Pippin, Merry, (sighs) Gandalf... Gandalf: Word. (They’re all leaving to go, they find Legolas still talking to the turtles) Legolas: Guuuuyysss? If you’re like, soaking in digestive juices, don’t say anything. (Everyone looks at Legolas like hes a loon. Which isnt too far from the truth, seeing that he’s having conversations with turtles) Frodo, tapping Legolas on the shoulder: Um, Legolas? We’re right here. (Legolas is scared so badly by Frodo’s voice that he gives a girlish scream and falls headfirst into the turtle pit, where he’s eated by a turtle) Legolas: HEL—gurgle Aragorn: (shrugs) Oh well! Now we don’t have to go on that 8 mile sidetrack to get that special shampoo. (Suddenly, turtle shivers and spits Legolas up) Legolas: EW! Like, my HAIR! Turtle: I know! It’s the nastiest thing I’ve tasted! What do you do, rub brine into your scalp? Legolas: No! Those are the soft, silky results of SunSoft brand shampoo! You know that your satisfaction is guaranteed, because its made by SunSoft! Disclaimer: using SunSoft shampoo will under no circumstances make you HALF as pretty as I am (Legolas winks cheesily at a camera perhaps conjured by his imagination) Gandalf: Dats messed yo. Y’all really need to get yaself some therapy, my elven homie (Oompa Loompas giggle) Aragorn, unnerved: Lets just get out of here... Gandalf: Say word ta that, yo!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~6~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (All of the fellowship members are in their boats and ready to set off... all save one...) Aragorn: Legolas, come ON! We need to leave, we’ve already spent too much time here! Legolas: (strokes George’s head lovingly, eyes brimming with tears) Goodbye George... I’m sorry I accused you of eating my friends... Pippin: Yoohoooo....we need to leeave... Legolas: (sniffs) ...I hope you remember me in the fondness in which I shall always remember you... Merry: Legolaasss!!! Legolas: ...and someday perhaps in the future our paths shall meet again... (sobs) Gimli: Come ON Legolas!!! Legolas, now sobbing loudly: ...and when our paths DO meet, that we— Gandalf: (stands up in the boat, yells LOUDLY) GET YO MOTHA-(bleep)IN ASS OVER HERE, ELF!!!!! (Legolas is so startled that he emits a girlish scream and falls into the turtle pit. “George” quickly snaps him up) (Aragorn and Gimli quickly jump out of the boat with blades drawn, but the turtle almost immediatly spits him out) Legolas: (whimpers) my hair... Turtle: I know, its disgusting! What do you do, rub your scalp in brine?! (Everyone except Legolas gapes at the turtle, jaw dropping to floor cartoon- style) Legolas: No, I use SUNSOFT brand shampoo and conditioner! (turns to face camera perhaps conjured by his imagination) SUNSOFT brand products are designed especially for elves like me, and works deep to the roots to cure damaged hair and increase shine up to 50%! (lowers voice and talks very fast) SUNSOFT may result in side effects such as terminal brain cancer, leprosy, discoloration and/or immobilization of limbs, and horrible hormonal excharge which attracts young teenage girls. Consult your doctor to see if SUNSOFT is right for you. Note: using SUNSOFT will not make you look half as pretty as the model you see here (winks cheesily at the “camera”) All: ........ Frodo, whispering to Sam: I think Legolas has been using that shampoo too long... he seems to have terminal brain cancer Sam, whispering back to Frodo: Though it’s hard to have cancer in an organ that doesn’t exsist. (They giggle) Legolas: Want some, Aragorn? Aragorn: ALL OF YOU STOP MAKING CRACKS ABOUT MY HAIR OR PERSONAL HYGENE! THE LOOK IS ‘RUGGED’! Pippin: Yes, but there is a find line between ‘rugged’ and ‘I-just-showered- with-bacon-fat’ Merry: Quite so. (The two take out pipes and blow bubbles in a bathrobe and slicked back hair, looking sophisticated) Gandaf: True dat, yo. Aragorn, yo hair is so greasy it’d make John Travolta have nightmares for weeks. Gimli: (laughs) That’s a good one! (Gimli and Gandalf exchange a high-five) Aragorn, ears red: I’d rather have greasy hair than use that shampoo and start acting like Legolas! (Legolas is twirling his hair and looking at the sky, talking to himself) Legolas, to himself: I wonder where the nearest gift shop is? I could send a postcard to George... (Even Gandalf is forced to agree that he’d rather pull his own teeth with pliers and no novicane than do anything to make himself more like Legolas) Legolas: EEK! Like, a single hair came out on my finger! Maybe I shouldn’t shampoo twenty times a day. Aragorn: Legolas, if all of your hair falls out, it won’t be because of any shampoo, it’ll be because the poor stuff doesn’t have anything to hold onto. (Legolas blinks at him) Legolas: ...so I should cut back to fifteen times? (Suddenly, Frodo’s spiffy-nifty dagger thing starts to glow) Frodo: (gasp) Oompa loompas! (Oompa loompas giggle) Gandalf: Paddle faster, y’all! Shoot yo, dey gainin! Oompa Loompas: Oompa, loompa, loompidy doo I’ve got anyther question for you Oompa, loompa, loompidy dee If you are wise you’ll listen to me! How will you put up with idiot elves? Who don’t even know when they’re hurting themselves? It’d be much better if they were just dead They prolly don’t know toast comes... from... bread... Legolas: It DOES?!?!?!?! Oompa loompas: Ouur point exa-a-ctly! Oompa loompa loompity da Give up the blonde and you will go far You will live in happiness too If you live like oompa. Loompa. Oompa, loompa, loompity doo! (They giggle and leave, leaving the fellowship wondering) Gimli: Why DO we keep Legolas? Mystic author Nic: Only because he is, likre the most gorgeous guy on the planet, and my husband, and father of my children! Damn you! Gandalf, downing the rest of the fellowship’s water supply: Yo, da boy is just dead weight. *Nics eyes begin to twitch* Dont y’all hate it when a homie aint pullin his weight and he’s all ‘word’ and youre all ‘screw you’ and dey like dont make any sense at like, all, yo? (awkward silence in which everyone stares at Gandalf and he realises exactly what he just said) Gandalf, loudly: Yo, why DO we keep mai man Leggie? (fellowship starts arguing about Legolas) Sam: Hold it! The oompa loompas are just trying to make us give up Legolas! Remember what Lady Galadriel said? (all ignore him) (Meanwhile...) (cue for ominous music, we see the back of a chair in a dark room that looks remarkably like Lord Zed’s palace. We see a crystal ball through Mary-Sauron’s eyes, but we don’t see her face. Only her horribly pink- manicured malibu barbie nails and disgustingly cute hands caressing the ball) Mary-Sauron: Excellent. My plan is working perfectly. Oompa loompa: You’re too thick to think of a plan. We thought of it, remember? Mary-Sauron: SILENCE!!! (goes back to crystal ball) Yes, the time is ripe. Soon the fellowship shall give the elf to me, and with him in my power I shall write all sorts of horribly sappy “mysterious girl enters the fellowship and Legolas falls in love with her” fics, and we’ll live (dramatic pause) HAPPILY EVER AFTER AFTER COMPLETELY RUINING THE ENDING OF THE BOOKS AND ALL THEY EVER STOOD FOR!!! (laughs evilly) I’ll have Tolkien roll over in his grave!! BUM BUM BUUUUMMMM!!!! (AND NOW ITS TIME FOR A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT, BROUGHT TO YOU BY SMOKEY THE BEAR) (Smokey the bear solemnly walks into scene) Smokey: While media and other sources (glares at Almighty-Author-Person, who sticks out her tongue at the bear) tend to bend your young minds into thinking that smoking and drinking is good, its not! Sure your young brains can be squashed and molded like play-dough in warm hands, but its still wrong, I guess! NEVER smoke pipe-weed and row a boat, and don't even think its ok to drink pints and drive! Be responsible, and beforehand, pick a `designated driver', like these happy young chaps (shows shot of hobbits fighting in a pub) Hobbit 1: YOU'RE `designated driver'! Hobbit 2: No, YOU'RE `designated driver'! Hobbit 3: Wanna make sumthin of it? (Hobbits start violently fighting, chairs are thrown in the pub and blood gushes everywhere) (Smokey chuckles) Smokey: Ha ha! Innocent tykes! (He turns serious again) Smokey: But seriously my good people of Middle Earth! Smoking and drinking pints is dangerous! If you smoke or drink during pregnancy, it may give horrible brain defections to your unborn child! (Shows a picture of Legolas) Smokey: Doesn't that make you want to burst into tears? (sniff) Frodo: Hey Dopey, aren't you supposed to do the forest fire bit? Not drugs? Smokey: Hey, this is required by the state, ok? Suppose a youngin (Alice, Sarah, Kt...) reading this dangerous dangerous fic gets the wrong idea about smoking pipe-weed and drinking pints! Shame on you for advertising the usage of drugs so flippantly! Frodo: Is that a word? Smokey: Yes it is. Frodo: The point is no one cares about you! We want to get on with the fic! So get out of here! (Frodo sets Smokey on fire, he screams in agony and runs away, leaving Frodo with a dripping gasoline can grinning cheesily) ...And now, back to our regularly schedualed fic... (The fellowship is...sigh...still walking...) Legolas: My hair's gonna go all limp... Merry: I'm hungry. Pippin: I'm thirsty. Frodo: Why don't you drink a pint or eat a mushroom from your gift from Aunt Sandy? You guys have a whole sackful! Pippin: (sadly) Drank it. Merry: Ate it. Sam: Then why are you still carrying that sack everywhere? (Merry shrugs) Gandalf: Yo, dis walkin shit is whack, yo. Word up! Legolas: Can we stop? My hair's going all limp. All: NO! (After a little while of trudging) Aragorn: You know, this would be a lot easier if Gimli wasn't humming that Viking ship-rowing song Gimli: dun dun dun duunn.... Da dun dun dun duunn... Gandalf: Yo homie g! Stop messin yo, stop messin Legolas: You guys, we REALLY have to stop... my hair is getting limp! Sam: Look! Over there yonder! (they see a guy leaning against a wooden fence chewing tabaccee) Legolas: Hiya! (the stranger tips his rather large cowboy-type hat) Texan: Howdy y'all! (the fellowship titters) Sam: What the heck is it saying? Frodo: It's like it's speaking in a foreign language! Pippin: `Tis very strange Gimli: I wonder what it's trying to say? Aragorn: Fear not! I speak fluent Texan! (Aragorn steps forward) Aragorn: Howdy pardner! Pip: Ooh, he's good. Gimli: I guess that's why they call him a `ranger' Gandalf: fo sho Sam: No you idiot, that's RANCHER (no one cares) Sam: (sniff) Aragorn: (to fellowship) I shall translate for you. (now to Texan) Whad are you doin out in these here parts? Texan: I'm fixin ta rope me a cow, ain't nothin y'all can do bout it! Pip: What did he say, Strider? Gimli: Yeah, translate it into Tolkien 19^th century England-talk! Aragorn: He said, "I shall endevour to bind that hooved animal, and thou shalt not hinder me" All: Oohh! Ganalf: Tell da bitch we don't want no cattle, hear? Pippin: Say, "I do not endevour to in any way slow thy task, only to inquire as to where we are. What is thy name?" Aragorn: (to Texan) Y'all can keep yur cattle `n rope `im too. Me `in the fellers were just a wonderin' what here parts are we in now? Texan: Well this here land yur standin on is just south o my jerky ranch I reckon. I can give y'all a look around if y'all are up to tastin the best finger-lickin jerky this side south o the Mississippi River! Legolas: What did it, like, say? Aragorn: He said, "Ah! This country is just south of my home and dried-meat harvesting farm. If thy company wishes, I shall gladly show you around and provide you with meat to satiate your hunger." Frodo: Tell him it would be our pleasure! Aragorn: (to Texan) Sounds like a hoot! Texan: Well shuck my corn! Come on, y'all! I ain't had solicee-taters for a long time! Aragorn: He said, "Splendid! If you will be so good as to follow me, I shall lead you to my home. We haven't had visitors for some time now." Legolas: Not meaning to be rude, sir, but do you think you can spare a hot bath and some shampoo for my head? Texan: Huh? Aragorn: He's fixin to ask if y'all have any hair-stuffs, he reckons he'd like to use some. Texan: Oh. Well why didn't y'all say so in'de furst place? If its shampoo y'all want, I'd be glad to lend ya some. Legolas: Huh? Aragorn: Never mind, you're welcome to some shampoo. Legolas: YAY! Gimli: Ok, hi, why is there such a thing as Texas and Mississippi here in MIDDLE EARTH? Merry: Shut UP, Gimli! I thought I told you that no one cares about the horrible blemish on the face of society that is your existence! Ack! (Merry steps in a cow pie) (Gimli sniggers) Texan: Watch yur step there pardners! All: Huh? Aragorn: He said, "Take heed where you tread, fellows" All: Oh. Frodo: Hey, this isn't going to help anything! In fact, we're shaving precious hours off of our schedule! We need to destroy the Ring so we can end the horrible reign of Mary-Sauron! Aragorn: (YAWN) No one cares about that damned Ring anymore Frodo. Stop milkin it, I'M the star of this fic now! Legolas: (Now lathering his long blonde hair with shampoo. Um, Leggo, dearie, water might help. Just a little. Anyways) No! Like, I'M the star of this fic! I'm the endless talking Bubbles from the powerpuff girls/Melody from Josie and the Pussycats acting blonde who is stunningly cute and forehead-slappingly slow witted! Gandalf: Now dat junk's whack! Y'all know dat I, pimp-mastah weed-smokin free-ballin GANDALF is da STAR of dis here fic! (The Superstar from Mario Party comes zooming in, rattling dice in his hand and winking cheesily. "I know how to solve this debate!" he yells, but Legolas shoots him with an arrow and he falls out of the sky) Superstar: X_x (The fellowship is at the Texan's table arguing about who's the star of the fic, when a heavenly light falls on the table and off-key little cherubs wipe their noses and sing an angellic chord rather nasally) Almighty-Author-Person (AAP for short): Hark! Pippin: (whispering) what kind of crack-smokin obsessed delusioned skin-popper says `hark'? AAP: Shaddap. This is my fic, and I say hark! So be quiet rodent features! I think I have heard some argument on who's the star of my fic? (all nod eagerly) AAP: Well, I'm sure you all know the answer to THAT one! (all shake heads) AAP: No? Well it's Legolas of course! Who else? Frodo: That dumb-ass, you gotta be kiddin me! Look, i'm the cute ring bearer with the "hug-me-im-scared" eyes! I should be the star!!!!! (Nic turns a disturbingly flourecent shade of pinky-purple, her eyes begin to twitch dangerously whilst turning a shade that can only be found within the fiery depths of mount Edna, steam arises from her blonde head , and foam drips from her snarling lips) Frodo: (nervous) But then Legolas does have that lovely long lushious hair and wonderful physique, and, ans,hes just great with a bow....IIIII'm sure you will make a fffantastic married couple and live happily ever after in a castle in the clouds making children all day long! (nic ponders on that thought and a dreamy look envelopes her features) AAP: Okey, well that answered ima descend into the clouds and leave you guys in awe (all stare in awe after the AAP) Frodo: That was close. Gandalf: Word. Legolas: Ah my love, soon we will be together, riding through the mists of time on a electronicaly controlled turtle named George, and waving our pink glittery sticks whilst attempting to sing the national anthem which ends up being that really irratating christmas song that nobody knows the name of. All: @_@ (Suddenly, an oompa loompa suddenly grabs Legolas from behind, he still has his shampoo without water lathered into his silky... long... blonde, elvish hair..... (snaps out of it) whoa. Ok anyway they snatch Legolas from behind) Oompa Loompas: Snatch! Legolas: Eek! All: Oh no! Texan: That shore sucks. Aragorn: (getting up quickly) As much as we appriciatered yur hospurtality, we've gotta hit the road, pardner. Happy trails! Texan: God speed, my lord (Everyone stares the texan) Texan: What, y'all mean I'm not surposed ta say anything intelligent in this here fic? Sam: (still staring) Um, no. Texan: Durn. Aragorn: It seems we have a plot! Mission: save Legolas from the clutches of the oompa loompas and Mary-Sauron-- --thus saving the world as we know it! BUM BUM BUUUUUMMMMM!!! ...Oh no! Why the hell did I do that? (raises hand) I know! There's gonna be an actual plot here, I promise. Er, probably. Hopefully. Yeah, hopefully. I just had to do that. Tolkien, bless his soul, talks so much more different than you or I. It's interesting to compare 19^th century England-talk to 21^st century Texas-talk. Just thought that was amusing. To all Texans: Sorry, but it's so fun poking fun at good ol' Texas. I know not all of you are fat... or stupid... or slow witted... or ugly... or--nah, I'm kiddin. Oh, and I don't own Smokey the bear. Yes I am very very violent. He deserved his fate, so there. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~lost count~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Ominous music is playing in the background, Legolas is tied to a chair with a bright light shining on him, he's squirming against the ropes. Suddenly, two oompa loompas with dark sunglasses enter the room) Legolas: I'll never talk! (gasp) Um, I mean, you know. Like, tell you important information. Otherwise I need to talk! You see, it all started in a little log cabin when I was born... Oompa Loompa #1: Enough with the chitchat, blondie. Now where are your little friends? Legolas: I'll never tell! Unless you give me a cookie. Oompa Loompa #2: Hey hey hey! WE'RE the ones doing the blackmailing here, not you! Got it? Legolas: Fine then. Oompa Loompa #2: Good! Now tell us! Legolas: Why do you even need to know? I thought Mary-Sauron only wanted me! (sniff) and why won't you give me a cookie? Oompa Loompa #1: (munches a cookie) Yeah, well now she wants Frodo and Aragorn and Pip and Sam and Merry... Gimli isn't in too much trouble (from far away, Gimli scowls) Legolas: NO! I'll never tell! Never never never never! (with each `never' Legolas kicks his legs and on the last one he accidentally kicks the carefully concealed record player. The record flips around) KidsBop Kids: The wheels on the bus go round and round! Round and round! Round and round! Legolas: I LOVE this song!!!! (Legolas starts singing with the record player in a soprano voice) Oompa Loompa #2: Remind me, WHAT does Mary-Sauron pay us again? Oompa Loompa #1: (looks down at half-finished cookie) A cookie each. By the way, this one is yours. (pops it in mouth and picks up the other one) Oompa Loompa #2: grrrrrrrrr Legolas: (several octaves higher than middle C) The babies on the bus go wah wah wah! Wah wah wah! Wah wah wah! Oompa Loompas: Oh dear lord... (Meanwhile, in the forest where the rest of the fellowship is tracing the oompa loompas tracks to find Legolas...) Pippin: Oy! Merry! Lets tromp around in the mud so no living being can ever hope to find tracks in them, let alone a light elf and two tiny oompa loompas! Merry: Alright! (They jump about like kangaroos on crack) Aragorn: Stop, stop! We need those tracks! Yarg, now we have no clue where they went! Thanks a lot! Pippin & Merry: (both laugh like maniacs) no problem! Gandalf: Yo, you bitches made mai man Aragorn all confused-like! You lil mothah-- (Gandalf grabs the nearest hobbit, which happens to be Frodo, and starts to choke and violently shake him) Frodo: Gakk! But I didn't do any--EEP! AIR! I NEED-- Aragorn: Wait! Shh! (Everyone freezes, cept Frodo who wheezes {heheh, that rhymed!}) Aragorn: I think I hear something! (Oompa Loompas giggle) Gimli: Goddamnit! We had an oompa loompa song the chapter before last! Random Oompa Loompa: Too bad! All Oompa Loompas: Oompa Loompa Loompidy doo I have another question for you Oompa Loompa Loompidy dee If you are wise you'll listen to me Guess what? You're trapped! We are going to take you Off to the realm of the great Mary-Sue Ha! Will you dare to put up a fight? If you like to get beat then that's... all...right! Ha ha hee hee ho ho-ho-ho Oompa Loompa Loompidy da Give yourselves up and you will go far You will live in "happiness" too If you live like Oompa Loompa Oompa, loompa, loompidy doo! (An oompa loompa crashes a battle gong thing, they attack, fangs gnashing, like starving rabid woodchucks after a man who has a plate of spaghetti on his head\) Gimli: Eek! (Gimli hides) (Aragorn grins heroically, tosses back his straggled black hair and whips out his rusty trusty..... spork?) Aragorn: HEY! AAP: I thought you should have something cooler to fight with Aragorn: But where's the sword of my forefathers? The sword that was broken and now is whole! The very sword that smote Sauron in his days of glory!!!! It's irreplaceable! (AAP is boredly picking her teeth with it, and she then throws it in the garbage) AAP: (still bored) What sword? Aragorn: ARG! You IMBECILE! Just how am I supposed to kill all these oompa loompas with a spork? AAP: Ok, ok, ok... (There is a poof, lots of blue smoke, and lying in the future king's hand, in a shower of golden confetti, is none other than the majestic weapon of.... Two sporks) Aragorn: (SIGH) I guess this will have to do... (sniff) I miss my sword (AAP laughs evilly before descending into the heavens in awe-striking wonder) (all watch in awe) Frodo: Don't worry Strider, I still have Sting... (whips out Sting but in his hand he holds a spork) Sam: That doesn't look like Sting. That looks like a cheap plastic combination spoon and-- Frodo: I KNOW what it looks like! That's what it is! (The Oompa Loompas are now upon them) (Aragorn sighs heavily, closes his eyes, cringes, and tentatively stabs the nearest Oompa Loompa with the spork) Spork: (DINK) Oompa Loompa: YARRGGGGG!!!! ORG! BLOOF! YAR YAR YAR BLEAAAAUUUGHHHH (twitch twitch) .....X_x (Aragorn stares at the spork) Aragorn: Cool! (Cool fight scene comences!!! Since this is a no budget fic, you must make your own sound effects. (Suggestions: Take that! ARG! IT GOT ME! (flick) OOF! Uuuuurrrgggg (spork clinks) You'll never get me, captain hook! Never! Blast you, Peter Pan! EEEEEE! Tic tic tic KABOOM!) And also, you should really scream all these sound effects at the top of your lungs so the entire household can enjoy your screeching voice shouting things.) (Cool fight scene winds down) (Cool fight scene is over, the fellowship won and the Oompa Loompas were forced to scurry back in their losery misery to the dark shadows from whence they came) Everyone: YAY! Aragorn's spork: Spork spork! Spork spork spork spork! Spork! Spork spork spork spork! Spork spork spork! Aragorn: What the hell?!?! (He throws it down on the ground) Spork: (indignantly) SPORK! Pippin: Aragorn! What are you doing? That poor defenceless spork! (Pippin kneels down and picks it up, cradling it) Pippin: (soothingly) What's that mister spork? Spork: (whimpering) Spork spork spork spork spork spork SPORK spork spork! (sobs) Spork spork SPORK spork SPORK spork SPORK! Gandalf: Whoa now. Gimli: Is it safe to come out now? WHOA! What the hell is that? Pippin: The spork, whose name is Stan, says he knows the way to where the Oompa Loompa's are keeping Legolas!!! Spork: (happily) Spork! Gimli: Spork? Frodo: Oh dear... Sam: It isn't like we can find him any OTHER way... (glares evilly at Pippin and Merry) Aragorn: (sigh) Alright company, lets do what the spork says Gimli: Spork? Gandalf: Word. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~pink~~~~~mmmmlegolas~~~~~~~~~random thoughts~~~~~~~~~~~ (We see Legolas still tied up in the chair, looking defiant mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm) Oompa Loompa #1: (sigh) For the last time, we won't give you a cookie! Legolas: Then I'll never tell!--wait. You already found my friends. A whole hoard of your folk attacked them. Why do you need me to tell you where they are? Oompa Loompa #2: We forgot. And how did you know that we attacked your friends? Legolas: I dunno. Oompa Loompa #1: Where were you on the night of June 5, 1888? Legolas (turns red) Why does it matter to you? Oompa Loompa #2: Tell us or I give you a bad haircut! Legolas: Eek! Ok ok, I was... um... (loosens collar) heh heh... funny story, really... Oompa Loompa #1: TELL US! Legolas: (really fast) watchingthemuppetmovieonthedisneychannel Oompa Loompa #2: (checks chart and scratches head) But June 5 was a Friday night. Legolas: (turns red) I know. (the oompa loompas laugh at him) Legolas: (turning even redder) I had bad acne and braces as a kid, ok?!?!? (they laugh even harder at him) (Meanwhile, the fellowship is trying to track Legolas. Following the directions of an... erm... spork.) Spork: Spork spork spork spork spork! Pippin: He said go 50 paces north then 80 paces east Spork: (angrily) SPORK! Pippin: Sorry, NORTH-east Aragorn: Tell me again, why are we following a spork? Sam: Shut up, you'll hurt his feelings! Frodo: Really! Merry: Whats the matter with you? Pippin: Insensitive clod! Gimli: Spork? Gandalf: Yo dis junk is whack. Itz lyke dat time I wuz at dis party wid my homeboys an' we got all stoned... Aragorn: (SIGH) Spork: Spork spork spork spork! Pippin: Actually he says he's a Japanese spork. If he were an English spork he would speak English. Gimli: So since he's a Japanese spork shouldn't he speak Japanese? Merry: SHUT UP Gimli!! I thought I told you that no one CARES! Gimli: So the only retaliation you idiots have to the voice of reason is to ignore it? Whats the matter with us? Following a spork around, talking to Texans, going over the falls and not getting hurt... (AAP smacks him) Gimli: (mindlessly) Funny. I now have no idea why I was thinking these awful awful thoughts. (Merry sniggers) (Aragorn moves some bushes to the side) Aragorn: (sweetly) Pippin... Pip: Yes? Aragorn: (yells) YOUR SPORK LED US TO A DAIRY QUEEN! Spork: (excited and happy) SPORK! (The spork happily jumps out of Pippins arms and bounces over to the dairy queen) Pippin: HEY! Spork: (calls back) SPORK SPORK SPORK SPORK! (cackles madly and bounces out of sight) Pippin: Stan? STAN!!! NOOO!! (sniff) I thought we had something special! How can you just (sob) LEAVE ME? Gimli: (rolls eyes) So sad. Pippin: (through tears) SHUT UP! You don't know how it is to lose someone special... Merry: (eagerly) Does that mean you're gay?!?! Pippin: (looks at him weirdly) Dude! Of course not! Why do you wanna know? Merry: (disapointed) (sigh) No reason. (Everyone scootches away from Merry besides Gandalf who scootches closer to him. Merry then scootches away from Gandalf) Aragorn: (rolls eyes) So now what do we do? Pippin: (eyes misting) Perhaps Stan did lead us to the right place. Perhaps Legolas is at Dairy Queen... (sniff) Oh, Stan!! Gimli: Don't hold your breath. Aragorn: Gimli's right, lets press on. (Meanwhile...) Oompa Loompa #1: (sips a Dairy Queen freezy-freeze) Oompa Loompa #2: (in awe) So keep going! What happened to you after you swallowed the moth? Legolas: (pleased) Well I was choking on the dust, and I couldn't, like, breathe and I think it was like, still alive in my stomach and Elrond was all like, laughing at me and I was all keeling over and-- Oompa Loompa #1: Wait a second, we're supposed to be questioning you! Oompa Loompa #2: (in scorn) Don't interrupt! Legolas: Wait, you guys? Why are we in a Dairy Queen? (oompa loompas shrug) (Meanwhile, again...) Aragorn: (frusterated) Where the hell ARE they? Gandalf: Yo dis shit is wickity-whack, yo. Word up homies, we is getting NO WHEY-AH, hear? (Suddenly, everyone falls in a big trap door) All: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (They go thru some tubing and end up in the dairy queen interogation room with the two oompa loompas in dark sunglasses and Legolas. ) Aragorn: (whips out his sword, which has been ever so nicely returned to him after the AAP accidentally used it as a toothpick) Don't you dare lay a finger on that elf! I know you've been inflicting all sorts of pain and torture and.... (trails off when he sees what they're doing) (The record player is on the wrong side and the KidsBop Kids are singing "Old McDonald" on it. The two oompa loompas, menacingly dark sunglasses and all, are twirling a jump rope, which looks suspiciously like the rope that Legolas was previously tied up in, for Legolas) Legolas: My name is Alice! I live in a palace! All: ................... Hobbits: JUMPROPE! (The hobbits take out their own jumpropes and madly start to jump. These jumpropes are going like ceiling fan fast) Hobbits: WHEEEEE!!! Legolas: Cinderella! Dressed in yellah! Went downstairs to kiss her fellah! Made a mistake, and kissed a snake, how many doctors did it take? Oompa Loompas and Legolas: 1...2...3... Frodo: Teddy bear, teddy bear, turn around! Teddy bear, teddy bear, touch the ground! Merry: Miss Mary Mack! Mack! Mack! All dressed in black! Black! Black! Sam: Fatty on the ocean! Fatty on the sea! Fatty spilled a bottle of milk and blamed it all on me! Pippin: (who doesn't know any jump rope songs) Old McDonald had a farm! E-I-E-I-O! (Meanwhile, Gimli is busy banging his head against the wall, Aragorn is smoking enormous amounts of pipe-weed to calm himself down, and Gandalf is doing God knows what) Aragorn: (is high) ALL RIGHT OOMPA LOOMPAS! ALL RIGHT OOMPA--TIME TO TO DIE! (with a mighty blow, Aragorn smites down the poor oompa loompas) Oompa Loompas: X_X Legolas: (crying) You killed my friends! Gimli: I call a pair of their glasses! Gandalf: Ooh Ooh! Me too! Let a brotha have a pair o dose hott glasses, aiight? (Gimli and Gandalf put on the glasses, both look utterly ridiculous. To see the full effect of their ridiculousness, you can get a picture of both of them off the internet and draw on black glasses) Gandalf: (throws away contacts) Won't be needing these anymore! Legolas: Um, yes you will Gandalf: QUIET, BITCH! (We see Legolas still tied up in the chair, looking defiant) Oompa Loompa #1: (sigh) For the last time, we won't give you a cookie! Legolas: Then I'll never tell!--wait. You already found my friends. A whole hoard of your folk attacked them. Why do you need me to tell you where they are? Oompa Loompa #2: We forgot. And how did you know that we attacked your friends? Legolas: I dunno. Oompa Loompa #1: Where were you on the night of June 5, 1888? Legolas (turns red) Why does it matter to you? Oompa Loompa #2: Tell us or I give you a bad haircut! Legolas: Eek! Ok ok, I was... um... (loosens collar) heh heh... funny story, really... Oompa Loompa #1: TELL US! Legolas: (really fast) watchingthemuppetmovieonthedisneychannel Oompa Loompa #2: (checks chart and scratches head) But June 5 was a Friday night. Legolas: (turns red) I know. (the oompa loompas laugh at him) Legolas: (turning even redder) I had bad acne and braces as a kid, ok?!?!? (they laugh even harder at him) (Meanwhile, the fellowship is trying to track Legolas. Following the directions of an... erm... spork.) Spork: Spork spork spork spork spork! Pippin: He said go 50 paces north then 80 paces east Spork: (angrily) SPORK! Pippin: Sorry, NORTH-east Aragorn: Tell me again, why are we following a spork? Sam: Shut up, you'll hurt his feelings! Frodo: Really! Merry: Whats the matter with you? Pippin: Insensitive clod! Gimli: Spork? Gandalf: Yo dis junk is whack. Itz lyke dat time I wuz at dis party wid my homeboys an' we got all stoned... Aragorn: (SIGH) Spork: Spork spork spork spork! Pippin: Actually he says he's a Japanese spork. If he were an English spork he would speak English. Gimli: So since he's a Japanese spork shouldn't he speak Japanese? Merry: SHUT UP Gimli!! I thought I told you that no one CARES! Gimli: So the only retaliation you idiots have to the voice of reason is to ignore it? Whats the matter with us? Following a spork around, talking to Texans, going over the falls and not getting hurt... (AAP smacks him) Gimli: (mindlessly) Funny. I now have no idea why I was thinking these awful awful thoughts. (Merry sniggers) (Aragorn moves some bushes to the side) Aragorn: (sweetly) Pippin... Pip: Yes? Aragorn: (yells) YOUR SPORK LED US TO A DAIRY QUEEN! Spork: (excited and happy) SPORK! (The spork happily jumps out of Pippins arms and bounces over to the dairy queen) Pippin: HEY! Spork: (calls back) SPORK SPORK SPORK SPORK! (cackles madly and bounces out of sight) Pippin: Stan? STAN!!! NOOO!! (sniff) I thought we had something special! How can you just (sob) LEAVE ME? Gimli: (rolls eyes) So sad. Pippin: (through tears) SHUT UP! You don't know how it is to lose someone special... Merry: (eagerly) Does that mean you're gay?!?! Pippin: (looks at him weirdly) Dude! Of course not! Why do you wanna know? Merry: (disapointed) (sigh) No reason. (Everyone scootches away from Merry besides Gandalf who scootches closer to him. Merry then scootches away from Gandalf) Aragorn: (rolls eyes) So now what do we do? Pippin: (eyes misting) Perhaps Stan did lead us to the right place. Perhaps Legolas is at Dairy Queen... (sniff) Oh, Stan!! Gimli: Don't hold your breath. Aragorn: Gimli's right, lets press on. (Meanwhile...) Oompa Loompa #1: (sips a Dairy Queen freezy-freeze) Oompa Loompa #2: (in awe) So keep going! What happened to you after you swallowed the moth? Legolas: (pleased) Well I was choking on the dust, and I couldn't, like, breathe and I think it was like, still alive in my stomach and Elrond was all like, laughing at me and I was all keeling over and-- Oompa Loompa #1: Wait a second, we're supposed to be questioning you! Oompa Loompa #2: (in scorn) Don't interrupt! Legolas: Wait, you guys? Why are we in a Dairy Queen? (oompa loompas shrug) (Meanwhile, again...) Aragorn: (frusterated) Where the hell ARE they? Gandalf: Yo dis shit is wickity-whack, yo. Word up homies, we is getting NO WHEY-AH, hear? (Suddenly, everyone falls in a big trap door) All: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (They go thru some tubing and end up in the dairy queen interogation room with the two oompa loompas in dark sunglasses and Legolas. ) Aragorn: (whips out his sword, which has been ever so nicely returned to him after the AAP accidentally used it as a toothpick) Don't you dare lay a finger on that elf! I know you've been inflicting all sorts of pain and torture and.... (trails off when he sees what they're doing) (The record player is on the wrong side and the KidsBop Kids are singing "Old McDonald" on it. The two oompa loompas, menacingly dark sunglasses and all, are twirling a jump rope, which looks suspiciously like the rope that Legolas was previously tied up in, for Legolas) Legolas: My name is Alice! I live in a palace! All: ................... Hobbits: JUMPROPE! (The hobbits take out their own jumpropes and madly start to jump. These jumpropes are going like ceiling fan fast) Hobbits: WHEEEEE!!! Legolas: Cinderella! Dressed in yellah! Went downstairs to kiss her fellah! Made a mistake, and kissed a snake, how many doctors did it take? Oompa Loompas and Legolas: 1...2...3... Frodo: Teddy bear, teddy bear, turn around! Teddy bear, teddy bear, touch the ground! Merry: Miss Mary Mack! Mack! Mack! All dressed in black! Black! Black! Sam: Fatty on the ocean! Fatty on the sea! Fatty spilled a bottle of milk and blamed it all on me! Pippin: (who doesn't know any jump rope songs) Old McDonald had a farm! E-I-E-I-O! (Meanwhile, Gimli is busy banging his head against the wall, Aragorn is smoking enormous amounts of pipe-weed to calm himself down, and Gandalf is doing God knows what) Aragorn: (is high) ALL RIGHT OOMPA LOOMPAS! ALL RIGHT OOMPA--TIME TO TO DIE! (with a mighty blow, Aragorn smites down the poor oompa loompas) Oompa Loompas: X_X Legolas: (crying) You killed my friends! Gimli: I call a pair of their glasses! Gandalf: Ooh Ooh! Me too! Let a brotha have a pair o dose hott glasses, aiight? (Gimli and Gandalf put on the glasses, both look utterly ridiculous. To see the full effect of their ridiculousness, you can get a picture of both of them off the internet and draw on black glasses) Gandalf: (throws away contacts) Won't be needing these anymore! Legolas: Um, yes you will Gandalf: QUIET, BITCH! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A/N: I don't own Aaron Carter, but if I did I would rip out his ribcage, make it into a bobsled, and compete in the winter olympics with it Gandalf: Whoa. These shades make everything look pitch black, yo! Word ta me, I can't even see mai hand in frontuh mai face! Aragorn: Um, I don't think that's a good thing... Pippin: I don't think those are the glasses doing that Gandalf, I think you're blind without your contacts Gandalf: WATCH YO MOUTH, FOO! (Gandalf bumps into a tree) Gimli: Ummm (throws away his set of glasses that he got from the dead oompa loompa) (Boromir suddenly appears) Boromir: Hi guys! Gandalf: AAAHHH!! OOMPA LOOMPA! Boromir: Wha?... (Gandalf runs over and starts punching him, Boromir looks at him, slightly confused but not hurt at all) Gandalf: Take dat! `n dat! `n dat! Legolas: (sniggers) Just because you're like, scary doesn't mean you're not old and feeble and like, stuff, Gandalf. (Boromir steps aside and Gandalf rushes forward and continues punching a tree. The tree doesn't look too happy, as far as trees go) Boromir: Whoa, what was that all about? Oompa what? Merry: (ponderingly) Oh yeah, you don't know, we killed you off in the 1st chapter... Boromir: SPEAKING of that-- Aragorn: (AHEM AHEM COUGH COUGH COUGH AHEM) Boromir: What I'm TRYING to say is-- Pippin: (ACHOO ACHOO ACHOO COUGH AHEM) Boromir: Would you just let me-- Gimli: (COUGH COUGH COUGH ACHOO AHEM) Boromir: (sigh) Never mind... (Two seconds pass) Boromir: (Really really fast) Why'dyahavetokillmeoff,eh?Imean,IknowI'maredundantcharacterbutitsnotfair,GandalfgottocomebackandIdon't,andyoutotallykilledmeWAYtooearly.Itdoesn'tlookgoodforGondor! (breathes) Gimli: Now that you mention it, you aren't the only redundant character here. We have one elf, one dwarf, one wizard, TWO human males, one ringbearer, one way too loyal sidekick who smells bad-- Sam: Humph! Gimli: --and TWO comic reliefs? What? What's that smell? Sam: (blushes deeply) It wasn't me! I just washed a day ago! Truly! What, you think I like to avoid cleanliness whenever I get the chance and hide when someone offers me a bath along the way? It's not like I haven't bathed in a year at least! Gimli: That smell is redundancy!! Sam: (laughs nervously) Of course it is! Pippin & Merry: HEY! Pippin: We BOTH have stuff to do! We aren't just mere comic relief! I have to be a soldier for Gondor and Merry here has to be King Théoden's servant dude! Gandalf: Big frickin whoop, yo! You don't gotta like, ride around on a kickass horse and be all leaderly and showoffy and powerful yo! Word up to da wizard in da company! Yeah baby! Legolas: I like horsies. Boromir: Um, yeah, well the point is that the Almighty Author Person decided that she killed me off way too early and put me back in the fic! I'm so happy! Aragorn: (mutters) Not after a day with this bunch you won't be Boromir: What was that? Aragorn: Nothing.... Legolas, louder: I like horsies. Boromir: Ok, since I'm back, I of course need to be informed of everything that has happened! Gandalf: Aiight, dis shit is bull yo, dis is da most fricked up damn piece of crap that ever had the misfortune to be called a fic! There IS no plot othah than da fact that we're all friggin morons! (AAP smacks Gandalf really hard, and as an afterthought spins him around many many times so he's both dizzy and blind) Gandalf: (disoriented) Where's the piñata? Legolas, much louder: I like horsies! Aragorn: Ok, um, so we found out that Sauron is a Mary-Sue and she has a troop of oompa loompas instead of orcs... Gandalf: I'ma get all da candy, yo! (He stumbles over and starts whacking Frodo repeatedly with his staff) Gandalf: Break, damn you! Frodo: OW! Hey! Stoppit! OUCH! That hurts! Boromir: Shouldn't we help them? Aragorn: No, just ignore it. You have a lot to learn about being in this fic. Frodo: (starts to cry) You're cracking my ribs! Gandalf: Dats it! Just a lil more and dis sucker breaks! (Aragorn then explains to Boromir everything that has happened since he was killed. We hear a scary `Whap! Whap! Whap!' in the background from Gandalf beating Frodo) Frodo: (Now twitching on the ground) Please stop... I thought you were my friend... (sobs) Gandalf: Damn whas up wid dis dumb donkey piñata? It won't break! Frodo: Hey! I'm not a donkey! OUCH! Gandalf: (laughs like a maniac and continues to beat him) You can't fool me, ya dumbass donkey! Aragorn: Ok, now I guess we can help him. Legolas: (sniff) I want a horsie... Gimli: Hey, where are Pippin and Merry? And Sam? Boromir: (Wrenches staff away from Gandalf) Stop that! The poor thing! Gandalf: Where's mai candy yo? Pimp mastah Gandalf is in need of sum sugah! (Pippin and Merry and Sam are in a tree eating the fellowships water and food supply. You know, the one that was supposed to feed 9 people for a month of traveling?) Gimli: (looks around and notices the bags are gone) Hey! Where's all the food? Boromir: Poor Frodo. Let me inspect his wounds... (Boromir leans over and takes the ring) Boromir: Yoink! (He puts it in his pocket and his eyes dart around to see if anyone noticed) Frodo: (still convulsing on the ground) You guys, I'm spitting up blood. It tastes like... burning... Gandalf: (cries) I WANT MAI CANDY! Legolas: IIII WANT CANDAY! (bum bum bum! bum bum!) III WANT CANDAY! (Oompa Loompas come out and start breakdancing) Legolas: (Like Aaron Carter) Yeah! Yeah! I'm a little blonde freak! I want candy and I want to beat Shaquile O'Neal but it ain't gonna happen so I'm rappin bout candy! (turns his baseball cap sideways) Peace! (Pippin Sam and Merry throw a large rock at Legolas and it knocks him over) Pippin: Boo to posers like Aaron Carter! Merry: May his bones be incinerated and his ash be thrown into outer space when he dies so they can never again plauge the face of the earth! Sam: I'll drink to that! (They down the last of the pints) Legolas: (groan) (twitchtwich) Frodo: (Gets up, rather annoyed) Hell-O-O! Ring bearer here! Has a hemorrhage! In a fatal position! Does anyone care? I'm the most important character in the fic! I have the ring! Wait--where's the ring?!?! Boromir: (eyes gleaming) My own... my preeciouuusssss Frodo: (Puts his hands on his hips) Now who has the ring? Boromir: We don'ts got it, do we precious? No we donts, we don'ts gots no precious... nassssty little hobbit. Good to eat, so is fishes, yes. Hobbits taste like slimy silver fishies? Mmmm... Frodo: Ok, your story checks out. How about the rest of you? Aragorn: Don't look at me, I dare not take it since I fear that the weakness of Isildur is also present in me. Besides, I have the purest damn heart here! Legolas: Owwww.... Gimli: What would a dwarf want with a bloody ring? I admit we tend to like shiny things, but really now! Sam, Pippin, and Merry: Nobody knows!! How dry I am!!!! (hiccup) Gandalf: I still aint got no candy. Where did y'all get dat damned piñata, Wal-Mart? Frodo: Aragorn, why don't you just admit it? You stole the ring! (gasp) THIEF! Aragorn: What?!?!?! Boromir: Yesss, precious... bad, nasssty man. Steals the precious! How dare you, you bad bad man? We don't likes him precious, no we don't... (polishes the ring to a nice shine) Frodo: Aragorn, I'm ashamed of you! Stealing my ring and then lying about it! Why can't you be more like Boromir? (Boromir is now crouching by a small stream tearing apart a raw fish with his bare hands) Boromir: (with a twitching fish tail coming out of his mouth) Hisssss! Gandalf: Word, dog. I feel yo pain To all Aaron Carter likers: Bite me ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *o.k, i'm sure I ave already sent those chaptas, but hell, deal wit it aiiiiiiiiii!* Frodo: You guys, this is serious! Someone stole the ring and we have NO CLUE where it is! Boromir: (On all fours, shakes fish around in his mouth like a dog, parts fly off and Boromir has a small white slimy fish-chunk right above his top lip) Hisss, my precious! Frodo: That's a great idea, Boromir! I think whoever did it should admit it too! (glares at Aragorn) And you said you would protect me! Aragorn: I didn't steal the ring!!!!! Gimli: Dude, just admit you have a problem! Gandalf: Yo, admittin y'all has a problem is da first step ta recovery, dawg Pippin: (in a halo and white robes and a misty, faraway soft voice) Yes, my son. Repent and be forgiven! Merry: (in similar attire and voice tone) After all, the Good Book says-- Aragorn: You guys are nutso! You can SEE Boromir sitting there with the ring around his neck--clear as daylight--acting like Gollum! I'm probably the last person who would steal the ring! Hello-o! Scared I will repeat the greed of my anscestor Isildur? Pure-hearted, strong of will? Haven't you read the books? Boromir stole the ring in the books too! Frodo: Stop lying to yourself and give me back the ring! (Boromir just then slips on the ring and disapears, and reapears right next to Frodo) Boromir: Nasssty hobbit eat tasty fishes, yes? Frodo: Thank you Boromir my good man. (munches the raw fish as if nothing had happened) Aragorn: Oh for the love of cram... Legolas: Hey, cram rhymes with ham! I'm a poet and I didn't even know it! Sam: Legolas, do us all a favor and please stop it. Legolas: If you spill juice you'll have to mop it! Frodo: Can we please get back to the subject at hand? Legolas: I like peas, but not when they're canned Pippin: Legolas, I'm warning you-- Legolas: The grass is green and the sky is blue Gandalf: HIPPO-FRICKIN-POTOMUS!!!!!!! Legolas: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........................ liposuction! (Gandalf slaps his forehead with his hand) (After a while) Sam: Hey, liposuction doesn't rhyme with hippopotomus! Gandalf: No bullion, yo Frodo: So, Aragorn, are you ready to give me back the ring? Aragorn: (SIGH) (Suddenly, a big scary guy with black shades and a big shiny badge appears) Frodo: Who the hell are you? Dude: You wanna know who I am? I'll tell you who I am, I'm a truent officer,that's who I am. What's a truent officer you say? I'm a truent officer, what's what a truent officer is. What does a truent officer do, you say? We make sure that punks like you go to school, that's what we do. All: ........... Aragorn: Aren't you that dude from the powerpuff girls? Gandalf: Shoot yo, I LOVE the powerpuff gurls! Dey be da COOLEST! I also enjoy pretty pink marshmallows and happy clouds and... poodles with pretty red bows in their hair... (All stare at Gandalf) Gandalf: (cough) I mean... word to da powerpuffs, yo. Truent Officer: Well that's all find and dandy but its against the law not to go to school. Why you ask? Because sometimes punks like you decide they don't want to take advantage of a good education, that's why. Its punks like you that make me happy for punks... er... people like me. Now you, you there with the greasy hair-- Aragorn: (SIGH) Truant Officer: --have you been to school? Aragorn: I'm not sure they HAVE schools in Middle Earth... we don't really need to go to school anyway, really. I'm smart enough. Truant Officer: Smart enough, you say? Well, I'll be the judge of that. How do you figure the area of a rectangle? Any of you dumbnuts? Pippin: (still in angel suit) The good lawd be with you for asking such a blasphemous thing, sir! Merry: Could you repeat the question? Gimli: (proudly) 12!!!! Frodo: I want my friggin lawyer... Gandalf: Shoot yo! Stop frontin! How should we know dat fricked up shit? Like I give a f*ck! Boromir: Fissssshes! Mmm, nice scales, nice organs, nice silver dead fishies! Fishies is the answer, precious! Aragorn: (shrugs) I agree with Gimli. Legolas: (cackles madly) I'll never tell! (eyes dart around maniacally) Sam: Oh for cripes sake! Its height times width! (All ignore Sam) Truant Officer: These are things you need to know out there in the real world. Why? Because if you don't know the area of a rectangle you can never do anything in life, that's why. Are you prepared for the real world? Of course not! Why? You don't know how to calculate the area of a rectangle, that's why! Now let me ask you another set of SIMPLE questions you would know if you had completed your education. If you get these wrong, then you're all getting shipped off to school! Sam: I KNOW ALL THIS STUFF! (No one listens) Sam: (sob) Truant Officer: Alright, question number one. That's the first number in the questions. Why? Because its not the second. Aragorn: That doesn't make any sense... Truant Officer: Maybe it would make more sense if you were properly educated, eh shaggy? Gimli: Um, no. Aragorn: And don't call me `shaggy' Truant Officer: (AHEM) Question: How do you spell aardvark? Merry: M-U-S-H-R-O-O-M Aragorn: A-R-D-V-A-R-C? Gimli: (proudly) 12!!!! Gandalf: Yo, dat shit is WHACK! What da freak is an aardvark anywho, yo? Some kinda laxative, right? Pippin: Mount Rushmore!!!!!!! Frodo: A squared plus B squared equals C squared Legolas: Hmmm, I remember learning to spell in college... lessee, L-E-G-O-ahh I give up! Pippin: When you say `college' you mean kindergarden, right? And you do know you're sadly struggling to spell your own name? Legolas: I like horsies Sam: Aardvark. A-A-R-D-V-A-R-K. Used in a sentence: An AARDVARK crept into my tent yesterday while I was sleeping in South America. Aardvark. (No one cares) Truant Officer: Truly pitiful. Why you ask? Because-- Pippin: Oh get on with it! Truant Officer: (gives Pippin a dirty look but continues) Question: What is the current color of the sky? Is it A) green B) blue C) lavender with turquoise stripes or D) ointment Merry: I say its D)! Frodo: BANK! Merry: This isn't weakest link you idiot! (Boromir is busy ripping a nice salamander to shreds and gulping down its liver) Boromir: Hisss! Precious! Slimy things are tasty... Gimli: (very proudly) 12!!!!!! Frodo: If they'res a will, they'res a way... Legolas: Mermaid fun Kelly! Her fin changes in warm or cold water! Aragorn: Ha! It's a trick question! You cant see the sky, its all cloudy out! I win! What do I win? Gandalf: Da sky? What kinda fricked up question is dat, yo? We all know what da sky is all colored like yo! Dis is sum shit you be talkin yo. Whas up wid dis? Sam: (sighs) The sky is blue! (Like anyone hears him?) Truant Officer: Horribly horribly sad. That does it, you're all being shipped off to school Sam: BUT I KNOW ALL THIS! Frodo: NO! You CANT do that! We have a quest to do! The fate of the world depends on it! Legolas: You should've thought about that before you decided not to attend school, you juvie! (Frodo glares at Legolas) Truant Officer: Come with me. Gimli: (confused) The answer wasn't 12? Aragorn: Aye carumba... Boromir: (howls at the moon) Aragorn: THAT’S! IT! I’ve HAD it with all the stupid non-plot mabobers! I say we just make fun of the 2nd book already! Gandalf: I’m down wid dat, y’all! Legolas: (sings) Everybody likes me, nobody hates me! I’m gonna eat some moths! Merry: What’s wrong with you??? Legolas: (happily) All the readers like me the best. No one cares about you Merry, you have no personality quirks. Merry: I do too! I uh… yell at Gimli! Gimli: Who said my name? Merry: SHUT UP GIMLI! Frodo: Speaking of what the readers want, they want me to be fixed! The AAP should come by any minute to fix me! (Everyone groans) Pippin: Not her *quivers and retreats to a corner, curls up in fetal position and rocks in fear* Sam: She hates me! Frodo: Well how else am I gonna get fixed? Gimli: By the man who fixes ALL of our problems—JERRY SPRINGER! Legolas: Oh my gawd, you’re starting to sound all like, the AAP! Sam: I don’t care! Let’s go! (At the Jerry Springer show) Jerry: Hi, I’m Jerry Springer and this is my show! Legolas: That’s not how you’re supposed to start the show! What’s like, wrong with you, you swallow a moth? Aragorn: I don’t think the AAP KNOWS how Jerry is supposed to start the show. AAP: Indeed. I may be demented but I certainly don’t watch Jerry Springer! Jerry: Are you dissin my show? AAP: Do you THINK I’m dissin your show? Jerry: Oh that’s it, ITS ON! (tackles the AAP) Audience: (chants mindlessly) Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! AAP: You forget, I’m the author! (uses super author-y powers to drop an anvil on Jerry) Jerry: X_X Aragorn: You killed him! Legolas: (gasp) Like, MURDERER! AAP: Whatever. I’ll just be the host. Now lets get started! It’s been said that Gandalf has been sleeping with Aragorn’s mother’s second-cousin- twice-removed’s friend’s hairdresser’s psychic’s pet ferret’s nephew! Aragorn: HOW DARE YO—wait a second… Merry: THAT’S NOT YOUR MOTHER, ARAGORN! IT’S MINE! Audience: Ooohhh! Aragorn: What? Merry: That’s right! We’re really siamese twins! Aragorn: No we aren’t! Merry: And as to you, Gandalf, that ferret doesn’t love you! Legolas: THAT ‘FERRET’ IS MY BROTHER! Sam: So that means you’re my eighth cousin on my elevendy-first sister’s side? (Sam and Legolas tearfully embrace) Aragorn: What? In order for that to be true you would have to be— Pippin: Your grandfather! That’s right! Aragorn: I’M OLDER THAN YOU! Gandalf: YOU DON’T KNOW ME! YOU DON’T KNOW ME! (throws a chair at someone) Frodo: AAP! I’ve never been so happy to see you! Change me back! AAP: Um, here. (POOF) Frodo: I’m a real bo—wait. YOU TURNED ME INTO A PUPPET YOU BITCH! AAP: A little wooden puppet. That means that you have to tell 84 ½ lies until you become a real hobbit again. Oh and get eaten by a whale. Frodo: WHAT? Pippin: She really needs to get her Disney movies straight. AAP: Haha! Ok, enough Jerry Springer. (snaps and studio disolves into woods) Ok, lets get back on track here. Frodo, Sam—go to Mordor. Now. Frodo: But, I’m— AAP: DO IT! Now, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli, you guys go searching for Pippin and Merry. Legolas: (picks Pippin up) I found them! Pippin: Gerroffame! AAP: NOT YET! Pippin and Merry, you guys get captured by Oompa Loompas. (Oompa loompas come to take them away) Pippin: I wanna go with Frodo to Mordor! Sam: Too bad, I’m going! AAP: SHUT UP! We’ll deal with you later. Boromir, you have to die. Sorry. Boromir: If scary author girl triess to kill uss off, we swears by the precious that we’ll gut you alive AAP: (nervously) Um, ok, you can take the place of gollum. You follow the precious and the nasty little hobbits, yes? Boromir: Good. Hisss!! AAP: Ok, as to who’s going with Frodo, let’s have a mud wrestling compitition! Sam and Pippin: Huh? AAP: You heard me. Go! (Snaps and a bunch of mud appears) Sam: Cool! (picks up a handful and sniffs it) Good for gardening! Pippin: Take this, garden boy! (throws a clod of mud at Sam) Sam: OW! (thud) Aragorn: Wait, you can’t throw “clods” of mud! This stuff is too wet! Pippin: I know. It wasn’t a mudclod, it was a mud-covered rock. Sam: @_@ AAP: Hey that’s cheating! Sam wins by default! Sam: Pretty green elephants lick grape soup angrily… (faints) Gandalf: Word. Hey AAP! Yo, whaddo I do? AAP: Umm… you’re dead. Sorry. Gandalf: What?!?!? Yo, dats whack. Dats messed yo, I’m too coo to bizounce dat way, kay? Shoot y’all, shoot! AAP: Fine, you go with scruffy, blondie and ugly over here Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli: HEY! Gimli: (points to Legolas) It’s mean to call people ugly! AAP: (cough cough) Uh, right, Gimli. (Merry sniggers) AAP: Alright oompa loompas, take them away. Frodo, Sam, scary stalker, go to Mordor. Legolas: (happily) I found them! (points to oompa loompas carrying Merry and Pippin off over a hill) AAP: GIVE THEM A FRICKIN HEAD START! Legolas: (sad) Oh. (after a headstart, Gandalf Aragorn Leggo and Gimli begin walking) Legolas: Can we stop now? Aragorn: No. Legolas: (precisely 12 steps later) Now? Gimli: No! Gandalf: Yo, dis is whack. Is we gunna hafta listen ta Leggo’s whinin all da frickin way? Damn foo! Y’alls is cracka lackin! Gimli: That’s a new one… Aragorn: We can stop at nightfall. Legolas: Are we there yet? Gandalf: NO WE AINT! NOW JUST PIPE YO PRETTY WHITE ASS DOWN, HEAR? Legolas: (sniff) Is it a crime to be pretty these days? Gimli: I know, really! Aragorn: Umm… Gandalf: Yo, just don’t answa dat. Aragorn: Sounds like a plan. (Ok BORING! Walk walk walk walk walk…. Nightfall!) Legolas: (whines) I’m tired! I need at least 15 hours of beauty sleep each night to properly moisturize! Plus I need to take a shower! Aragorn: Your shampoo is in the bag. Gimli: Are my roots starting to show? Gandalf: Yo what? Say word? Gimli: (blushing) I dye, can you tell? Legolas: Oh I like, never would have guessed! Fer sher! You wear it very well. (Legolas rummages through the pack and sees two bottles, one labeled “hair dye” and the other “herbal essance shampoo/conditioner for elven hair”. Being as they both start with ‘h’ he gets confused and takes the wrong one. Gimli, without glancing at the other one, takes it and goes off in the other direction.) (The next morning…) (Aragorn and Gandalf wake up to the sounds of Legolas and Gimli shrieking) Aragorn: (getting up and grabbing his sword) It sounds like a wild boar is attacking a cheerleader! Lets go! (he stops short when he sees its just Leggo and Gimli) Aragorn: Oh, its just you. I thought you were a wild boar attacking a cheerleader. Gimli: Legolas, did you switch our shampoos? Gandalf: (sniggers) Yo, ya look good with soft shining ringlets, g-daddy! Gimli: Bite me. Aragorn: Hey, look at it this way, you don’t have any more split ends! Legolas: My hair is red! It’s…. red! (twirls some on his finger) Doesn’t it look, like, oh so pretty? Aragorn: Your hair is red, meaning you’re not a blonde anymore Legolas! Legolas: Whoa. You don’t suppose I could be, like… smart? Gandalf & Aragorn: Nope. Legolas: Phooey. (Cut to Frodo and Sam trekking up some scary black hill thing) Frodo: I’veeeee got no strings! To hold me down! Da dum dum dum da da dum da da! I’ve got no strings, as you can see, there are no strings on me! Hi ho the derrio! Doodle doodle doo doo doo! Sam: Pardon me askin, Mr Frodo, but can you please…. SHUT UP?????? Frodo: Don’t call me that! My name is Frodopio! I’m a little wooden puppet! Sam: You’re psycho! Frodo: I wish I had a conscience. Sam: Don’t you mean ‘If I only had a brain”? Frodo: That too. I need to tell 84 ½ lies before the last petal on the rose falls on my 21st birthday and I stay a beast forever! Sam: You really need to get your Disney movies straight. ****************feel free to insert elevator music of your choice here************* Sam: (exasperated) Frodo, can you PLEASE stop singing disney movies? Frodo: You can fly, you can fly, you can fly! Sam: GAHH! THAT’S. NOT. FROM. PINOCCHIO!!!!!!!!! Frodo: Aww, Sam, you sound stressed. When I get stressed, I just think of my favorite things! (sings) Bedknobs and broomsticks and crisp apple strudel! Meatballs and hairballs and schnitzel with noodles! Big purple monsters with cheesecake for wings! These are a few of my favorite things! Sam: (mutters) it would probably be a lot easier to bear if he sang songs from Pinocchio… or maybe even sang the lyrics right once in a while… Frodo: What are a few of YOUR favorite things, Sam? Sam: (grits teeth) Mute puppets. Boromir: (hiding out behind a rock watching the hobbits) Oooh, precious, look at the crazy hobbits. Nassty hobbits, steals the precious. Well, we won’t lets them gets it, eh? We’ll kill them—No! Don’t kill them!—Hisss! Boromir! Be quiets, we’re talking to ourselves!—No! I don’t care if I’m not the dominant personality! I’m taking a stand damnit! Now we’re going BACK!—No! Hisss… bad, nassty human. We punishes him, yess precious, make him eat more fisshes—Yuck! You know I’m a vegan! Ok, ok, I’ll be quiet!—Hiss. Good. (gollum) Sam: Shh! Mr. Frodo! I think I hear something! Frodo: Oh, Sam. You’re such a good friend! (sings) You’ve got a friend in me! You’ve got a friend in me! Sam: Frodo! Sing that one Disney song that Ed the hyena from the Lion King sings! Frodo: (scratches head) But Sam, Ed DOESN’T sing. Sam: Exactly! Gahh! Now you made me lose it! I thought I heard something… come on now. Why don’t you start lying so you can turn back into a semi non-annoying creature—I mean hobbit! Frodo: But that’s cheating! Sam: How’s that cheating?!?! Frodo: I dunno. It just is. I can feel it in my bones… (starts swaying) Listen to your heart, you will understand… let it wave upon you, like wind upon the sand… Sam: (rolls eyes) Oh brother… (Meanwhile, Aragorn, Gimli, Gandalf, and Legolas are all about to set off to find Merry and Pippin) Aragorn: Ok, I should know stuff about this, I’m a big macho rangery dude. Go me! Anyway, we should all look for signs that Pippin and Merry were here. Legolas: Is this a sign? Aragorn: No. Legolas: Is this a sign? Aragorn: No… Legolas: Is THIS a sign? Aragorn: (sighs) Ok, lets all have a refresher course in how to distinguish ‘meaningful tracks’ from ‘trees’ Legolas: (happily) Goody! Gimli: Oy vey… Gandalf: YO! Whassup wid you Leggo? Damn foo! You is supposed to be all smart and shite now datchu a red-head stead of a blonde! Dang! Say word to me! (Suddenly, the Riders of Rohan come up to the 4 travelling… people) Rider #1: Halt! Who goes there? Frodo: (from far away) It is I! Aladdin! (Sam smacks him) Gimli: Erm, we are 4 travelers trying to find our friends, you see, and although some of us may (cough, puffs out chest) LOOK intimidating, or even frightening (glances over at Gandalf) we’re virtually harmless! Aragorn: Um, I’ll take it from here, Gimli. Ok, I really shouldn’t be telling you this but I’m really the heir to Isildur, so go ahead and stare at me in reverent awe. Rider #1: Umm… yeah… right. If you’re a king’s heir, why is your (stifles laughter) why is your… hair so greasy? Legolas: Now that’s an unfair and unjust statement, sir! Many great political officials and royals have and had greasy hair. Take a look at Napoleon, Bob Dole, King Henry! Why, Queen Elizabeth I herself had never taken a bath in her entire lifetime! In colonial days it was altogether a new thing to be wet all at once, and most times people of that age just put on perfume to cover the stench! Take a look at George Washington unwigged! And besides, physical appearance is by NO means a quality used to judge a man’s leadership abilities! So lay off! (Aragorn, Gimli, and Gandalf stare at Legolas) Legolas: Whoa… did, like, I just say THAT? (twirls hair again) Must, like, be the red hair. Who woulda thunk it? Rider #2: Ok, that’s it, you’re all going to Sunny Days Mental Facility, in Rohan. Perhaps THEY might be able to cure you… though I doubt it. Gimli: Wait! Wait! We’re sane! Sane I say! We’re just going off to find some of our hobbit friends who were carried off by oompa loompas because they thought that one of them had the ring, or it could’ve been because the AAP forced them to attack our friends… anyway we have to save them! Let us go! Rider #3: Aha…. Aha…. A—I don’t think so, buddy Gandalf: Damn foo! Wassup widch’all! Getcho stank foo bunions OUTA our damn way, or pimp-mastah GANDALF DA WHITE will SMOTECHO ASS, HEAR? Rider #4: Excuse me? Rider #2: What the heck is wrong with you? Rider #5: Where were you when Tolkien made us all speak proper English and divied out the brains? Aragorn: That’s it. NO ONE makes fun of Gandalf’s ghettoness but US! (tackles one of them off his horse) Riders of Rohan: CHAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGEEEE!!!! (Meanwhile…) (The oompa loompas are running as fast as they can (which is pretty fast for little dudes) and whipping the backs of the hobbits when they lag behind, which is always) Pippin: Ow. Merry: Ow. Pippin: Ow. Merry: Ow. Oompa loompa: SNARL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pippin and Merry: Meep! (After a while) Merry: Ow. Pippin: Ow. Merry: Ow. (Meanwhile…) Frodo: Midddddnight! Not a sound from the pavement! Has the moon lost her meeeemory? She is singing alonnnnnnnnee!!! Sam: THAT’S NOT EVEN A DISNEY SONG!!!! Frodo: Oh. I’m a little wooden puppet Sam: Why don’t you tell 84 ½ lies? Frodo: (loudly) I can show you the world… shining shimmering splendid… Boromir: Gahh! We can’ts stand that awful hobbits’s singings, no we can’ts, precious… We’ll kill him, we’ll kill him!—No, don’t kill him. Just knock him unconcious for a little while…--Hiss! Shut up, Boromir, Gollum is runnin the show now! Now, where wasss we, precious? Gahh! Sstupid human! You made us forget!—Ha ha. Serves you right you slimy ugly buffoon.—Be quiets or we rip out our wisdom teeth!--…I’ll be quiet… Sam: Ok, I DEFINITELY heard something that time. Frodo: The hills are alive! With the sound of muuuuuuuussss— Sam: Look! Frodo! Frodo: That’s FRODOPIO! Get it right. Sam: Er, Frodopio! Look! Umm… a cricket! Frodo: Where?!?!? (looks around) Sam: Now where was that noise coming from? Frodo: (crouching down and walking away) Here cricket cricket cricket! Sam: Hmm… I think it came from these bushes… no, nothing there. What could be following us? Frodo: (in background) I have a little cricket treat for you! Here chik chik chik! Sam: Hmm, there isn’t much space to hide… Frodo: (in backround) HERE chik chik chik chik cricket! Sam: Maybe in this brush over here… Frodo: (in background) Uh, Sam? (picks up foot and looks under it) Sam: (to himself) Well, he’ll have to reveal himself eventually… Frodo: (louder) SAM! Sam: (irritated) What?!? Frodo: I think I stepped on it! Sam: (sighs, irritated) That’s nice. Frodo: (panicky) No, seriously! I can feel the cricket juice rotting away my little wooden foot… Sam: (yells) THERE. WAS. NO. CRICKET!!! Frodo: Ooooohhh. ……(sadder) Oh. Sam: (SIGH!) (Meanwhile, the Riders of Rohan have successfully defeated and tied up Gandalf Aragorn Legolas and Gimli ) Rider #1: That’s it, you nuts are coming with us. Legolas: (fearfully) Where are you, like, taking us? Rider #2: Sunny Days Mental Correctional Facility in Rohan, we told you. I think you’ll find yourself at home there. Gimli: I think they will too. (turns to walk away) Rider #3: (calls after him) Don’t think so, goldielocks! You’re coming too! Gimli: What?! I didn’t do anything? Gandalf: Y’alls is just whack, dats all. Y’alls is wickity-whack like wyatt, and fry it! Sho yo aint dye it! Aragorn: What. The. Heck. Are. You. TALKING ABOUT???? Gandalf: I dunno… Legolas: Sir, I demand that the accommodations for the mentally incapacitated are presentable and suffice to fulfill all of our basic needs, much unlike in the 1800’s when reformer Dorothea Dix found the mentally ill thrown in prisons for crimes they never committed. Rider #2: Wha?… Aragorn: Must be the red hair. Legolas: Like, fer sher! Who woulda thunk it? (giggles and twists hair on finger) Gimli: (mutters) Too bad it only comes in short bursts. Rider #4: Anyway, you’re coming with us. Come quietly or we’ll drag you by ropes from our horses. Fellowship: HELP! (Suddenly, dramatic fanfare plays, and a mysterious figure swoops in from a rope to save them. Who IS this nameless savior?) Legolas: (cries) GEORGE! (Damn you, Leggo! That was a rhetorical question! Now you went and gave it away!) Legolas: Sorry. (You should be! Alright… (grumbles) George comes swinging in on a rope) Riders of Rohan: What the?!?!?! Rider #3: It’s a turtle! Rider #1: Let’s get ‘im! All Riders: YEAH! (They jump him, cut to Jackie Chan film clips with a scene where Jackie is fighting some ninjas. Except where Jackie’s head should be, there is a picture of George’s head, crudely taped to Jackie’s body. He beats up all the ninjas—ahem—riders. Cut back to the forest where George is standing over all the fallen riders) Legolas: Yay! Gimli: (sarcastically) Nice special effects. (Bite me, this is a no-budget fic.) George: Legolas! You’re a…redhead! Legolas: (happily) George! You’re a greenhead! (They cry and hug) George: I got your postcard, see? (whips out a postcard with a picture of a small boat hurtling over Rauros Falls) (reads aloud) “I mys u. Luve, Leg.” You put the ‘e’ backwards…but it’s the thought that counts…I guess… Legolas: (tearfully) I meant every word. So how did you find us? George: Easy, I followed the sirens. Aragorn: Figures. Gimli: Hey, I thought you were animatronic? Merry: (from far away) SHUT UP GIMLI! (gets whipped by an oompa loompa) OW! Legolas: Wanna, like, help us search for Merry and Pippin? George: Nah, I’m late for my massage and manicure appointment. But I’ll totally pop back in and out of chapters at random! Gimli: (flatly) We can hardly contain our excitement. Sam: (exasperated) Frodo, can you PLEASE stop singing disney movies? Frodo: You can fly, you can fly, you can fly! Sam: GAHH! THAT’S. NOT. FROM. PINOCCHIO!!!!!!!!! Frodo: Aww, Sam, you sound stressed. When I get stressed, I just think of my favorite things! (sings) Bedknobs and broomsticks and crisp apple strudel! Meatballs and hairballs and schnitzel with noodles! Big purple monsters with cheesecake for wings! These are a few of my favorite things! Sam: (mutters) it would probably be a lot easier to bear if he sang songs from Pinocchio… or maybe even sang the lyrics right once in a while… Frodo: What are a few of YOUR favorite things, Sam? Sam: (grits teeth) Mute puppets. Boromir: (hiding out behind a rock watching the hobbits) Oooh, precious, look at the crazy hobbits. Nassty hobbits, steals the precious. Well, we won’t lets them gets it, eh? We’ll kill them—No! Don’t kill them!—Hisss! Boromir! Be quiets, we’re talking to ourselves!—No! I don’t care if I’m not the dominant personality! I’m taking a stand damnit! Now we’re going BACK!—No! Hisss… bad, nassty human. We punishes him, yess precious, make him eat more fisshes—Yuck! You know I’m a vegan! Ok, ok, I’ll be quiet!—Hiss. Good. (gollum) Sam: Shh! Mr. Frodo! I think I hear something! Frodo: Oh, Sam. You’re such a good friend! (sings) You’ve got a friend in me! You’ve got a friend in me! Sam: Frodo! Sing that one Disney song that Ed the hyena from the Lion King sings! Frodo: (scratches head) But Sam, Ed DOESN’T sing. Sam: Exactly! Gahh! Now you made me lose it! I thought I heard something… come on now. Why don’t you start lying so you can turn back into a semi non-annoying creature—I mean hobbit! Frodo: But that’s cheating! Sam: How’s that cheating?!?! Frodo: I dunno. It just is. I can feel it in my bones… (starts swaying) Listen to your heart, you will understand… let it wave upon you, like wind upon the sand… Sam: (rolls eyes) Oh brother… (Meanwhile, Aragorn, Gimli, Gandalf, and Legolas are all about to set off to find Merry and Pippin) Aragorn: Ok, I should know stuff about this, I’m a big macho rangery dude. Go me! Anyway, we should all look for signs that Pippin and Merry were here. Legolas: Is this a sign? Aragorn: No. Legolas: Is this a sign? Aragorn: No… Legolas: Is THIS a sign? Aragorn: (sighs) Ok, lets all have a refresher course in how to distinguish ‘meaningful tracks’ from ‘trees’ Legolas: (happily) Goody! Gimli: Oy vey… Gandalf: YO! Whassup wid you Leggo? Damn foo! You is supposed to be all smart and shite now datchu a red-head stead of a blonde! Dang! Say word to me! (Suddenly, the Riders of Rohan come up to the 4 travelling… people) Rider #1: Halt! Who goes there? Frodo: (from far away) It is I! Aladdin! (Sam smacks him) Gimli: Erm, we are 4 travelers trying to find our friends, you see, and although some of us may (cough, puffs out chest) LOOK intimidating, or even frightening (glances over at Gandalf) we’re virtually harmless! Aragorn: Um, I’ll take it from here, Gimli. Ok, I really shouldn’t be telling you this but I’m really the heir to Isildur, so go ahead and stare at me in reverent awe. Rider #1: Umm… yeah… right. If you’re a king’s heir, why is your (stifles laughter) why is your… hair so greasy? Legolas: Now that’s an unfair and unjust statement, sir! Many great political officials and royals have and had greasy hair. Take a look at Napoleon, Bob Dole, King Henry! Why, Queen Elizabeth I herself had never taken a bath in her entire lifetime! In colonial days it was altogether a new thing to be wet all at once, and most times people of that age just put on perfume to cover the stench! Take a look at George Washington unwigged! And besides, physical appearance is by NO means a quality used to judge a man’s leadership abilities! So lay off! (Aragorn, Gimli, and Gandalf stare at Legolas) Legolas: Whoa… did, like, I just say THAT? (twirls hair again) Must, like, be the red hair. Who woulda thunk it? Rider #2: Ok, that’s it, you’re all going to Sunny Days Mental Facility, in Rohan. Perhaps THEY might be able to cure you… though I doubt it. Gimli: Wait! Wait! We’re sane! Sane I say! We’re just going off to find some of our hobbit friends who were carried off by oompa loompas because they thought that one of them had the ring, or it could’ve been because the AAP forced them to attack our friends… anyway we have to save them! Let us go! Rider #3: Aha…. Aha…. A—I don’t think so, buddy Gandalf: Damn foo! Wassup widch’all! Getcho stank foo bunions OUTA our damn way, or pimp-mastah GANDALF DA WHITE will SMOTECHO ASS, HEAR? Rider #4: Excuse me? Rider #2: What the heck is wrong with you? Rider #5: Where were you when Tolkien made us all speak proper English and divied out the brains? Aragorn: That’s it. NO ONE makes fun of Gandalf’s ghettoness but US! (tackles one of them off his horse) Riders of Rohan: CHAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGEEEE!!!! (Meanwhile…) (The oompa loompas are running as fast as they can (which is pretty fast for little dudes) and whipping the backs of the hobbits when they lag behind, which is always) Pippin: Ow. Merry: Ow. Pippin: Ow. Merry: Ow. Oompa loompa: SNARL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pippin and Merry: Meep! (After a while) Merry: Ow. Pippin: Ow. Merry: Ow. (Meanwhile…) Frodo: Midddddnight! Not a sound from the pavement! Has the moon lost her meeeemory? She is singing alonnnnnnnnee!!! Sam: THAT’S NOT EVEN A DISNEY SONG!!!! Frodo: Oh. I’m a little wooden puppet Sam: Why don’t you tell 84 ½ lies? Frodo: (loudly) I can show you the world… shining shimmering splendid… Boromir: Gahh! We can’ts stand that awful hobbits’s singings, no we can’ts, precious… We’ll kill him, we’ll kill him!—No, don’t kill him. Just knock him unconcious for a little while…--Hiss! Shut up, Boromir, Gollum is runnin the show now! Now, where wasss we, precious? Gahh! Sstupid human! You made us forget!—Ha ha. Serves you right you slimy ugly buffoon.—Be quiets or we rip out our wisdom teeth!--…I’ll be quiet… Sam: Ok, I DEFINITELY heard something that time. Frodo: The hills are alive! With the sound of muuuuuuuussss— Sam: Look! Frodo! Frodo: That’s FRODOPIO! Get it right. Sam: Er, Frodopio! Look! Umm… a cricket! Frodo: Where?!?!? (looks around) Sam: Now where was that noise coming from? Frodo: (crouching down and walking away) Here cricket cricket cricket! Sam: Hmm… I think it came from these bushes… no, nothing there. What could be following us? Frodo: (in background) I have a little cricket treat for you! Here chik chik chik! Sam: Hmm, there isn’t much space to hide… Frodo: (in backround) HERE chik chik chik chik cricket! Sam: Maybe in this brush over here… Frodo: (in background) Uh, Sam? (picks up foot and looks under it) Sam: (to himself) Well, he’ll have to reveal himself eventually… Frodo: (louder) SAM! Sam: (irritated) What?!? Frodo: I think I stepped on it! Sam: (sighs, irritated) That’s nice. Frodo: (panicky) No, seriously! I can feel the cricket juice rotting away my little wooden foot… Sam: (yells) THERE. WAS. NO. CRICKET!!! Frodo: Ooooohhh. ……(sadder) Oh. Sam: (SIGH!) (Meanwhile, the Riders of Rohan have successfully defeated and tied up Gandalf Aragorn Legolas and Gimli ) Rider #1: That’s it, you nuts are coming with us. Legolas: (fearfully) Where are you, like, taking us? Rider #2: Sunny Days Mental Correctional Facility in Rohan, we told you. I think you’ll find yourself at home there. Gimli: I think they will too. (turns to walk away) Rider #3: (calls after him) Don’t think so, goldielocks! You’re coming too! Gimli: What?! I didn’t do anything? Gandalf: Y’alls is just whack, dats all. Y’alls is wickity-whack like wyatt, and fry it! Sho yo aint dye it! Aragorn: What. The. Heck. Are. You. TALKING ABOUT???? Gandalf: I dunno… Legolas: Sir, I demand that the accommodations for the mentally incapacitated are presentable and suffice to fulfill all of our basic needs, much unlike in the 1800’s when reformer Dorothea Dix found the mentally ill thrown in prisons for crimes they never committed. Rider #2: Wha?… Aragorn: Must be the red hair. Legolas: Like, fer sher! Who woulda thunk it? (giggles and twists hair on finger) Gimli: (mutters) Too bad it only comes in short bursts. Rider #4: Anyway, you’re coming with us. Come quietly or we’ll drag you by ropes from our horses. Fellowship: HELP! (Suddenly, dramatic fanfare plays, and a mysterious figure swoops in from a rope to save them. Who IS this nameless savior?) Legolas: (cries) GEORGE! (Damn you, Leggo! That was a rhetorical question! Now you went and gave it away!) Legolas: Sorry. (You should be! Alright… (grumbles) George comes swinging in on a rope) Riders of Rohan: What the?!?!?! Rider #3: It’s a turtle! Rider #1: Let’s get ‘im! All Riders: YEAH! (They jump him, cut to Jackie Chan film clips with a scene where Jackie is fighting some ninjas. Except where Jackie’s head should be, there is a picture of George’s head, crudely taped to Jackie’s body. He beats up all the ninjas—ahem—riders. Cut back to the forest where George is standing over all the fallen riders) Legolas: Yay! Gimli: (sarcastically) Nice special effects. (Bite me, this is a no-budget fic.) George: Legolas! You’re a…redhead! Legolas: (happily) George! You’re a greenhead! (They cry and hug) George: I got your postcard, see? (whips out a postcard with a picture of a small boat hurtling over Rauros Falls) (reads aloud) “I mys u. Luve, Leg.” You put the ‘e’ backwards…but it’s the thought that counts…I guess… Legolas: (tearfully) I meant every word. So how did you find us? George: Easy, I followed the sirens. Aragorn: Figures. Gimli: Hey, I thought you were animatronic? Merry: (from far away) SHUT UP GIMLI! (gets whipped by an oompa loompa) OW! Legolas: Wanna, like, help us search for Merry and Pippin? George: Nah, I’m late for my massage and manicure appointment. But I’ll totally pop back in and out of chapters at random! Gimli: (flatly) We can hardly contain our excitement. ***************************Aaron Carter can kiss my ass******************************* Merry: Ow. Pippin: Ow. Merry: Ow. Pippin: O—What was my line again? (oompa loompa whips him) OW! Merry: This is ow—ridiculous! Ow—we should be getting all saved and junk! Pippin: Ow—aren’t we supposed to—ow—save ourselves—ow—someway? Merry: OW! You’re—ow—right—but—ow—how? Pippin: Hey! That rhymed? Ow how! Ow how! Ouch! Oompa Loompa leader: Stop talking! Merry: Yes si—ow! Oompa Loompa leader: Alright, time to put away our ‘kindly reminder to be faster whips’ and take out our ‘ruthless’ whips! (They put away the whips with 5 lil ropes coming out and leather balls attached to the end of each one and take out the whips with 7 lil ropes and metal spikes attached to the end of each one) Pippin: (wide-eyed) This might be a good time to think of a good plan. Merry: But what??? We’re not smart enough in this fic to think of a good plan by ourselves! (Suddenly, dramatic fanfare plays, and a mysterious figure swoops in from a rope to save them. Who IS this nameless savior?) Pippin: (cries) GEORGE! (NOPE!!! Haha, made ya look! (ahem) Who IS this nameless savior? NO ONE KNOWS BUT ME! BWAHAHA!) Merry: What the heck?? They look like— Pippin: Flying monkeys? Merry: Uh, no, they look like— Pippin: A partridge in a pear tree? Merry: Nooooo, they look like— Pippin: Huffalumps and Woozles? Merry: Yes—no! (looks at him weirdly) No! What’s wrong with you? I was GOING to say they look like— (Suddenly, ROBIN HOOD swoops in and grabs the two hobbits, saving them from the oompa loompas!) Pippin: (yells after them) ORANGE AND GREEN ARE SO NOT YOUR COLORS! BESIDES, THEY CLASH! (Oompa loompas on the ground look hurt) Merry: What was that all about? Pippin: I’ve always wanted to do that… Robin Hood: Hold on tight, boys! (heroic grin) Merry: Dude! Dude! Dude of Middle Earth, friend to you and me! Dude, dude, dude of Middle Earth, watch out for that tree! Pippin: Shut up, you’ll jinx us—WATCH OUT FOR THAT--! Both: OOOMPH! Merry: (feebly) tree…. Pippin: (twitch twitch) Robin Hood: X_X ((dead) (Again, Lord Zed type room is shown, cept where everything is red, in here everything is a shade of pink) Mary-Sauron: (shrieks) WHAT? MY LIKE, ARMY? HAS CLASHING COLORS? THIS WILL NOT DO! CAPTAIN! Captain oompa loompa: Yes your sickeningly-sweetness? Mary-Sauron: (looks him over) Oh my dear, that little hobbit was right… those colors don’t do anything for you. Captain: Huh? Mary-Sauron: SILENCE! Now… we absolutely MUST do something about this! I can’t have my own personal army going around with no fashion sense! Captain, report all troops to the dying bay at once. Captain: Uh, your prettiness? We don’t HAVE a dying bay. Mary-Sauron: THEN MAKE ONE!!!! IMMEDIATELY! Captain: Whatever floats your swan-boat, your pinkness. Mary-Sauron: And work on those titles! Whoever made up ‘your pinkness’ is to be hung and quartered! Is that clear? Captain: Clear as glass your—highness. Mary-Sauron: (everything else is dark, except her eyes, which are glowing pink) Excellent…. (Meanwhile) Aragorn: (stops dead) Wait. Gimli: What? Gandalf: Is we stoppin fo da nite, nigga-foo? Aragorn: (ignores Gandalf) Something’s wrong. Weren’t we supposed to go to Rohan? Legolas: (flips through The Two Towers) Why, I do believe you’re right—we meet Gandalf, and he leads us to the hall of Théoden. ( nic: hehehehe, impressed aint ya? aint ya??? *is ignored* heh, screw you guys then) Aragorn: I’m going to have to get used to you being a red-head… Legolas: Totally. Gimli: (skeptically) So we forget about the hobbits? Poor whatshisname and whatshisface? Gandalf: I’m down wid dat, yo. Aragorn: Don’t we have to meet Gandalf? (Everyone looks at him weirdly, then looks at Gandalf, then looks back at him) Aragorn: Oh. Right. Ok, Gandy my man! Take us to Rohan! Gandalf: What ‘m I, yo compass? Damn! Like I kno da way to dat cracka- lackin wickity-whack foo place Rohan! Aragorn: (thunders) NOW!!!!! Gandalf: (says in a small voice) Ok. Legolas: I don’t LIKE being a red he-he-he-head!!! (sniff) I like, wanna be blonde again! Frodo, from far away: Then click your heels together three times… (Sam smacks him) Gimli: Oh come on, Legolas. (smiles reassuringly) its not like anyone LIKED you when you were a blonde! Legolas: (sniff) really?—wait… (struggles to figure out whether that was a compliment or an insult) Aragorn: Alright, so we were going the wrong way all along… this is… bad… oh well. Lets just go to Rohan. It’ll be a—(checks watch) 2 days walk Gandalf: Yo, who sez we be walkin, dawg? (whistles) OH SHADOWFAX-ME!!! Gimli: I thought it was Shadowfax? Gandalf: Oh, him? Word, I turned dat mooker inta glue yearhs ago. Dis is mai NEW horse-homie! SHADOWFAX-ME! HERE BOY-YUH! Legolas: (giggles) don’t say that, like, TOO much, or a shadow might, like, fax you! Gimli: What are you, some kind of moron? Shadows always email you. (mutters) simpleton. (A large rocking horse rides up to Gandalf) Gandalf: Good horse. Now giddiup! Aragorn: What are WE going to ride? Gandalf: Uhhhh…. (pregnant pause) See you at Rohan! (tries to gallop off on shadowfax-me, it goes about an inch a minute Gimli: Uhhh… right. I think it would be faster to walk Legolas: Then what are we going to do with, like, poor, useless Shadowfax- me? (Cut to night-scene of Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Gandalf sitting around a big fire) Legolas: I want s’more s’mores! Aragorn: Pass the marshmallows please Gimli: Hey Gandalf, how the heck did you start this fire up? I mean, The trees in the ent-woods or whatever are haunted or something, so you can’t get firewood from them. What’s your secret? Gandalf: Yo, pimp-mastah Gandalf is very… resourceful when if cums ta shit lyke dis… (surreptitiously kicks a piece of horse-head shaped wood back into the fire) (Meanwhile…) Frodo: I wish I was a real boy again. Sam: I wish you had a muzzle. Frodo: Well Sam, you know what they say… (sings) When you wish upon a star… doesn’t matter who you are! When you wish upon a star your dreaaaams come trueee! Boromir: (from behind a rock) Yess!—No!—Yess!—No!—Yess!—No! Don’t kill him! I already HAVE a criminal record, you don’t have to make it worse!—(genuinely intrigued) YOU hass a criminal record? What did the slimey human do?—Please, I don’t wanna talk about it… just don’t kill him!—Ifs the sscary human don’ts let us kill the nassty annoying hobbit with the preciouss, we’ll pluck out our eyelasshes, one by one!--…you can’t do this! Don’t kill the— Frodo: (many octaves higher than middle C) DREAMMMSSSS CO-OME! TRUEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! (breaks all windows) Boromir: --Oh, bloody hell. Let’s kill the little bugger and get it over with.—Hiss. I knew you’d ssee it my way, nassty human. (Boromir jumps out from behind the rock) Boromir: YAAAAA!!!!! Frodo: AAAAAAAAHHHHH! Sam: YAAAYY!!! (Frodo takes a step forward and Boromir misses him, Frodo pins him down and presses sting against his neck) Frodo: I’ve got you now, Pan! Sam: Oh for the love of… Boromir? Boromir: (whimpers) We’ll be a good precious, yess little hobbit. Good hobbitss, nice hobbitss. Boromir will show you how to get to the big ugly spider—I mean mountain. Frodo: What did he say? Sam: Let’s innocently ignore it, at the cost of our lives. Frodo: Bippity Boppity boo! (Boromir/Gollum gets angered all over again and tackles Frodo, this time hitting his target. He keeps punching Frodo) Frodo: AAAH! I’LL BE NORMAL! I’LL BE NORMAL! (A tooth goes flying out of his mouth) Sam: (writes down on a little pad of paper) Only 83 ½ lies to go… Frodo: HELP! (Suddenly, Galadriel comes floating down on a little cloud, all pretty and shiny and blinding and stuff, carrying a wand in her hand) Boromir: Hiss! The light! The liiiiiiighhhhtttttt!! Sam: What the? Frodo: (in awe) Are you my fairy god-mother? Sam: What’s that sack of pennies for? Galadriel: (hides sack of pennies and teeth behind her back, blushing) Damn! Why aren’t you asleep? Frodo: Huh? Galadriel: I’m NOT your fairy god-mother, Frodo. In fact, you don’t have one. No one does. That all a load of crap. Sam: (laughs) Like the tooth fairy, right? Galadriel: Erm, you could say that. (picks up Frodo’s tooth, polishes it on sleeve, and puts it in her sack) Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to be going. There’s a hockey player in Jersey that needs my immediate attention. (POOF) Sam: What was that all about? Frodo: I’m a little wooden puppet. Boromir: This is going to be a looooooong trip. –Hiss. Nassty human can says THAT again. |
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